Tag Archives: Love

What no one tells you about life….

One day last week, I had an interesting interaction with a patient in the emergency room of the hospital I work in. I went to get him for his exam and as he took his time getting his shoes on, he said to me (not exact quote) “Don’t ever get old. I used to be able to put my shoes on in no time now it’s a task in of itself.” I said: “Well at least you have life”. Now his reply was what really got me. This 70-something-year-old man, who was an immigrant to Canada said to me, “Yes, but life is filled with deaths”.

It’s not that I’ve not heard that before – something about life being about living and dying many small deaths – but what struck me was that he was able to articulate that, to me, at his age, with his not so perfect English, at that moment in the situation that he found himself in. And he has lived some life!

That actually got me thinking about all the different situations in life we face and how dramatic we are, as human beings. Especially when it comes to the matters of the heart and love. The most intelligent, articulate, coherent, common sense person becomes irrational, dumb and frankly unable to clearly communicate a single feeling when they experience love for the first time in their life. It is one of the most powerful and one of the most important, life-changing experiences one goes through in life, in my opinion. That is when we become ‘alive’ and yet when we are also most vulnerable. It’s when we learn the most about ourselves and yet are hardly able to recognize the increased greatness of our Self which we feel during the phase when we are embracing and feeling love. It is also when we are most fearless, for love is scary to many people and too many actually shy away from IT, as an experience in its entirety.

Of course, there are different types of love and I remain a firm believer that love for Self IS, in fact, the most important love to have and experience. However, in this case, I am referring to non-platonic love that’s on a soul level – love that is inspiring, uplifting, and moves a person to the depths of their core. Love that makes you feel invincible at times but mostly one that makes you believe in love and in the beauty of the world despite all the examples portrayed on the news every day of its darkness. Love that teaches you forgiveness, willingness to sacrifice, do better and makes you grow as a person – be it you are a woman or a man.

See, often, when such a love happens to us, we recognize its beauty and importance but we (or the other person involved) may not be ready for IT (i.e. not just the feeling of love, but where love will lead – relationship etc.) for whatever reason OR it could be that circumstances are such that we may not be able to work at it. And it is then that we experience death. (Unfortunately, in some cases people do lose the person whom they love to death but that is not what I am referring to here.) We experience death of a loss of something amazing and incredible we felt for the first time in our life. I realize that sounds dramatic but if you go back and read my paragraphs in describing love, or if you’ve been through it, you’ll realize that it is dramatic and traumatic and painful and incredibly hard. No one ever tells you that love can hurt that bad or that you’ll actually have to grieve in order to let go and move on and in fact ‘get better’. But the reality is, it does happen and it is hard. There are no instructions on how to get through it the way that WE need to get through it. It’s just something that we almost get thrown into and we start to wonder how it’s possible to go from feeling something SO incredible and beautiful to being the most miserable, sad, un-motivated person in the world? And it IS because we are grieving. We are grieving for our loss.

So yes, in a way we experience death during life and it may not always be death of a love – it could be end of a friendship, or a career, or a perspective… And somehow we, as human beings, are still able to keep going, to keep moving and LIVE. It’s not an easy thing to do and love, true love that is unconditional (which in my opinion IS what true love is – unconditional) is always a part of us because when we TRULY love someone, we love them sometimes before we meet them and after we ‘lose’ them because loving someone touches us on a soul level and it becomes the energy of our soul, hence it never leaves us. Even when we let go. Even when we love again. Even when the person we love is gone and we have no communication with them nor do we know how to get in touch with them. Despite all of those deaths, we still love because it was love that inspired us to do better, to become better, to do more and because it was love which awakened us to LIFE.

I want to thank my love. I smile at your grace and am humbled to have been in your embrace.

T


LOVE, FEELINGS AND ALL THAT JAZZ…

“I’d like to run away
From you,
But if you didn’t come
And find me…
I would die.”
― Shirley Bassey

Some would argue the following but I think one big thing that distinguishes humans from other species is that we are emotional beings. Our ability to feel is precisely what drives us to do what we do – be it in our career choices, creative expressions, our interests but most especially the people who we choose to spend time with. So it is safe to say that we aren’t able to really and truly live if we don’t feel…wait, is that actually possible – not to feel?!

I have been blessed with an old soul which some have humbled me by equating it to wisdom. And T’s ‘wisdom’ has been taking some notes in the last couple of years as my own work on Self has been progressing. AND since sharing is caring….read on! 😉

I have become aware of the increase in the number of people who are walking around ‘not feeling’. Some of them walk around shuffling their feet, others putting on the biggest smiles, some yelling and screaming at anyone they can, but most of them are ‘normal people’ just like you and I, walking around doing ‘normal people’ things in ‘normal people’ ways. Yet I can never turn away from their gaze without seeing that glaze over their eyes which to me, just screams…well it screams many things – fear, pain, self removed from the world. Now remember, you would never be able to know what it is that that person has gone or is going through. The only thing that you will sense is their emotional disconnect which makes it hard for them and for you to effectively connect/relate to and communicate with each other.

Take a minute and think – have I just described you or someone you know? Don’t stop reading – you are not being judged. I still think that you are amazing. Take a big breath and remember, you are not alone.

Just like a person has many layers to them, some of which aren’t always complimentary but are actually contradictory, so do feelings! Every emotion we feel has its own truth, time and place. It’s not about breaking down the emotion and labelling it as good or bad, but taking it as what it is and allowing it to be expressed in an objective way – similar to different aspects of our personality, huh? The thing is, we’re not always taught how to deal with emotions, communicate our feelings or express them in a way that doesn’t consume our whole being so we take it to the extreme – either by getting completely lost in them and allowing them to control our actions and reactions OR by suppressing them. Being someone who has done both, I can honestly tell you that neither of them are healthy for any part of our being.

Getting lost in my emotions paved the way for draining, incoherent arguments which were damaging to the relationship and both parties involved. They would leave both people feeling absolutely exhausted and confused as to how things escalated to that point. I understand now that I was holding on to feelings from the past I hadn’t dealt with, which actually had nothing to do with the conflict I was dealing with at the moment, but because these emotions (past and present combined) were overwhelming for me, I couldn’t see myself outside of myself nor outside of my emotions….well until someone who I love and highly respect pointed it out to me and literally changed my life (shout out to S.A.M.!).

I’ve also suppressed feelings which…well to be honest I suppressed feelings which made me feel pain, embarrassment, anxiety, but I also suppressed love. You see, as a result of an unhealthy relationship, combined with unique childhood circumstances, death of my hero, and a splash of growing pains which I simply ran away from, I blocked myself from feeling. I didn’t think I did this of course because I was still social, and fun, and did things, and travelled, and interacted with people….except that I wasn’t really able to BE. It was as if, I kept myself busy with everything that I felt was good for me, just so I don’t have to feel certain things. ‘WHY?’ you ask? Because I was scared.

I feared feeling. Not only did feeling lead me to emotions that I didn’t understand how to handle in a healthy way, but it also led to pain – “Even when I loved, it sometimes hurt so why would I do that again?”, I thought. But the thing that broke my carriage was all that heavy baggage…and garbage. You see, we can only suppress feeling any emotion for so long. At some point you come to realize that something is just not quite right because that ‘success mountain’ (success could be any personal advancement, be it love, career or family) whose top you’ve been trying to reach has suddenly quadrupled in size because you have too much ‘stuff’. And then you realize that you gotta stop and take a break wherever it is that you are at that point to sort through all of that ‘stuff’ which you’ve been carrying around and not dealing with.

Now I’m going to keep it real here – sorting through your ‘stuff’ is NOT easy, it is A LOT of work and it’s NOT always fun! However, very quickly after engaging in the process (which by-the-way is unique to everyone), you start to realize how much lighter you feel, how much more meaningful your interactions with others become, and most importantly you realize how much you’ve grown. No longer is the ‘child’* inside of you, who does not have the right tools, experience or knowledge to deal with emotions, telling you to hide, but you’re actually consoling it and nurturing its growth and maturity. You took your ‘child’ emotional state by its little hand, and walked it along the path of love really.

I can already sense some readers thinking “Love?! What’s love got to do with any of this? We’re talking about not feeling here! Stay on point T!” but the truth is to truly love anyone, including Self, we have to love ALL – the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’, the ‘happy’ and the ‘sad’, the ‘angry’ and the ‘forgiving’, the ‘serious’ and the ‘goofy’….that’s called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. And if we’re suppressing our emotions because some of them don’t make us feel good, then it’s the same as not accepting the multitude of layers of our personality – we cannot love unless we embrace and accept ALL. Our feelings and emotions are reflections of us and truths of who we really are. They’re not always going to be lovely and nice. They’re just going to BE. And we have to allow them to be and feel them in order to climb the ‘success mountain’ which has now become almost a flat plain with bumps and hills and mountains and valleys along the roads but it’s not so draining walking it anymore. The ‘stuff’ isn’t heavy now and we’re so much more fit for any rough terrains and weather conditions…well that’s been my experience anyway.

I would not be who I am today if I didn’t have all that ‘stuff’ but I would not be able to keep going if I didn’t deal with it.

Love yourself, embrace and feel your emotions, and LIVE your life fully.

T

*I use the word ‘child’ here not because it is a reference to things from our childhood but to highlight the fact that, in a way, not dealing with our stuff and not feeling OR allowing our emotions to control our actions and reactions, suggests that we are in a child-like emotional state and that there is a need for growth. It is not meant to be derogatory or bad or to make anyone feel bad – after all, that is how I would have described my young Self – but it’s just my perspective.


Emotionally Unavailable

This post was inspired by the lyrics of Adele’s song Set Fire To The Rain.

T

***

I feel like I talk to you

a million times a day

but I wonder if you hear

all that I say?

All of what I want you to know?

Do my feelings show?

In the midst of our letting go

I hadn’t really let it go.

But now I see the reality of you and me

and I realize why we cannot be.

It’s not that you’re incapable of loving,

or of loving me,

actually it’s your

emotional unavailability.

You’ve placed a wall around your heart

and your entire being

making it hard for you to go anywhere

that requires mindful thoughts and feelings.

I cannot imagine what or who

caused you so much pain,

but because I love you,

I want to make it go away….

and then I realize

that I can’t.

I sit here in my space

thinking of you

and your embrace.

Your face is so lovely,

I don’t think I’ve ever told you so

but it comes to my mind quite a bit….

and it sure makes me smile….

When you’d hold me in your arms

my world was a happy place..

no troubles

or a sad face…

all this because of your embrace.

I’m not sure you knew

the effect you had on me.

You couldn’t see that I loved you

from the very beginning.

Like Adele said,

my heart fell..

you just didn’t realize

that you were actually holding it

right in the palm of your hand…

now, do you understand?

I look at you

for all of who you are

and I can’t seem to make out

if you’re living or just breathing

right now.

I want to hold you

and tell you how amazing

you are…how much you’ve changed my life

but I can’t because you’re not in a place

to even understand the face of

my heart space.

And it makes me sad

to know that you’re in so much pain

and I cannot do anything to make it go away.

I love you so much

but that’s not enough

nor is it the answer to a heart

with walls around its gates,

which are closed and locked..

your heart tucked away

in a garden of pain

overgrown and unkept

perhaps due to fears

of what you might find..

but I think you’ve decided that it’s easier

just to leave it there

tucked away.

Of course you can’t let me in your space

you’ve not been there in years

so how can you truly even know

the truths it holds within?

Maybe it is calling for me,

but you don’t know and you never will –

you don’t allow yourself to feel.

So I sit here,

in my space,

which I let you come into,

except now you’ve gone and you’re so far away

and instead of feeling your embrace

I feel your pain

as my tears fall

down my face…

wishing I can take you in my arms

and hold you

in my embrace.

I wonder if, when your walls come down

and you start feeling again,

you’d let me love you

and if then you’d understand

what I meant when I said

that it hurts me

when you go away…

maybe then you’ll understand

that you give me everything

without ‘giving’ me anything…

I hope you reach THAT

heart space…

some day.

***

Watch YouTube link with lyrics here:


Not Right Now

This goes out to everyone who hears their inner voice…and is fearless enough to listen to it. One love, T

***

Did I hurt you so much that you’ll never come back?

Or did you not hurt me enough because I still believe that there will be an US?

Doesn’t that sound f**ked up?!

It’s like two people on a different type of crack,

Neither of them sure how to react,

To each other’s or their own feelings that weigh down their bags,

Making it harder to travel or find the right size carriage to throw them in together,

As if it becomes easier to carry both of our baggage together….

But the thing that breaks the wheels is the fact that too much garbage has accumulated over the years –

You can’t throw out mine and I sure as hell can’t throw out yours,

So here we are taking a time out,

Sorting through years of life which is holding us back from being able to travel together.

Now that it has become a choice – do we stop to take this time-out,

And deal with our own burden of stuff?

Or

Fix the wheels and keep going until we get a better carriage for our baggage? –

You know the shiny one that looks pretty and makes everyone point and go:

“There goes Mr. and Mrs. So-And-So, the best couple I know!”

Is that the path you choose to follow?

I’ll be honest; I’d rather take my bags out and unload them when no one else is watching

So that at least when we stand together again,

Instead of being in a big shiny van,

We’ll be in a reliable mini car of some sort

And I can’t tell which one cuz

All I know right now is that my bags are too heavy, to add to someone else’s baggage

and travel with them in that carriage.

It’s kind of like walking into a mine field and being unsure of the safest step to take next –

It’s just way too much stress.

So I gotta put my deuces up –

Yea, I guess I’m signing out…for RIGHT NOW.

But please remember – I still believe in US.


Soulful Sailing*

Kinkardin, Ontario

I took the chance

to speak my truth

yet you just stand there.

Seems like you’re unsure

of what to say or do.

I can tell you’re not amused

and maybe you’re even

slightly confused….

but isn’t that what us, women do?

***

Okay so I said yes, then no

before you even had the chance to

have a seat and elevate your feet

for this short sailing trip

has made you light-headed

and your knees weak.

Can’t help but think

you might not forgive me

for any of this

but then I go back to Decoded

and remember the words of another poet:

“The truth is always relevant”

so I choose to speak it.

Pain is inevitable

if we sail and explore

the sea of life,

but this port is just not

where WE were meant to dock.

***

I’ma take my own boat out,

on this sea,

cuz my Sailing Soul

is ready to meet

my sea mate…

To throw unbreakable ropes,

over to each other’s boats,

and that is when he’ll say You vs Them,

and I’ll reply with Take Care

for we’ve already met

and our sails have been set

for some soulful shhh…

We can go north, south, east or west

it doesn’t matter

for even if you were a Stranger

you’d still be MY Best Friend.

You ready?

‘Cuz I sure am.

Am I Feeling Good?

NO I feel GREAT!

This is our chance to take!

Let’s explore these waters,

and sail off to write

our soulful romance…

The sun is setting

and the sea is ready for

our very different boats,

connected with unbreakable ropes,

to find a place

and the right moment

to rest and spend some time

to test this connection

that’s already flowing like

a real-life,

Love,

television story.

***

*This post was inspired by Jhene Aiko’s album sailing soul(s) and references have been made to songs by Jhene Aiko, Drake feat. Rhianna, Tweet and Bilal, Nina Simone, and Musiq Soulchild, as well as Jay-Z’s book, Decoded. I’ve included the song links for your listening pleasure.

Jhene Aiko: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMEfKYufmRg ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RIOKhsoYJ4

Drake feat. Rhianna: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ1cE0rt0cY

Tweet and Bilal: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp5awQhcPmQ

Nina Simone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8tuTSi6Sck

Musiq Soulchild: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybRnAOb-CPk

 

You can watch my performance of this poem here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajhln4holrE

T


The Butterfly Whisperer

This is a strange thing –

I’ve not felt this way before

and as such is the truth,

I start to think –

Is it really okay that I feel like this???

*

I am being vague I realize

so I’ll have to take my time

to paint this picture of what seems to be

a full-blown case of tummy butterflies….

*

It doesn’t take much really

for these butterflies the size of eagles

to start fluttering around my stomach…

eliminating my appetite,

giving me the runs,

disturbing my sleep,

and at the same time,

putting a goofy perma-smile on my face

so that I literally look as happy as a clown – !

*

All you really have to do is say “Hi”

or “Hey”

or “Ayo gurl! How’s you today?”

It can be via text, email or Facebook chat,

and any of that will leave me with butterflies

which fly from my tummy to my heart…and back.

*

Oh and then there is Skype!

Do you even know how fast my heart races

when I see you calling via a video call request?!

Even as I answer

I try to be cool

while the butterflies still keep doing what they do.

But when I see your face

and hear your voice say “Hey!”

It’s like you served strong coffee to the butterflies

who seem to now work overtime, extra hard.

Then my palms get sweaty,

my heart beats faster,

my face gets hotter….

I hope the camera doesn’t pick up red

for I am not ready for you to know

that you have made my whole body very, very  warm.

*

So you think Skype-ing with you is bad?

Yeah….it gets even worse

when I know that I will see you in person!

Especially if I know way in advance –

Not only are those butterflies working extra hard

but I fail to eat,

I can’t sleep…

I have a hard time doing anything but daydream!

*

And then THE moment comes

when we meet face-to-face

and it’s as if you take all these butterflies away…

because instantly I’m cool and I feel good.

And it makes me wonder how you got me so good?!

 *

Do you plant these butterflies

with your words or your voice?

Or have you placed them only in my tummy

so that they respond just to

YOUR voice and YOUR words,

so much so that it’s starting to make me wonder

if you’re the butterfly whisperer no one’s yet heard of?

*

I’ve now realized that you have way more control

over my appetite, sleep and thoughts

than I’d ever let you know….

 But since it’s all real – I sincerely feel this way –

this is what my friends want me to say:

“Will you please  spend time with your gurl

so she doesn’t starve and waste away??”

*

T


My Biggest Heartbreak

RIP Marko Bilela

I walked up the stairs of my childhood,

And it was the first time that it made me sad.

The memories that they hold are beautiful…

They are the greatest treasures of my heart.

It is not my return to them which is driving my tears.

It is the fact that you’re no longer at the top of the stairs,

smiling and waiting for me.

*

I walk into the room I saw you last,

The room where you took your very last breath,

And I sob for all of that you meant to me and to us all…

I cry for all of those who you left.

For they didn’t understand you

Nor did they feel what I felt.

*

Your trust in me gave me strength

And it humbled me to my core.

It came from a place of unconditional love

A connection that was strong between us, very strong.

*

I wish I had seen you again…

At least once before your soul left your body.

To hug you and talk to you for a little while,

To spend a few hours…just a little bit of time.

*

Here I am now standing in the room you took your last breath

Praying that you knew how I really felt.

I stand here sending you my love,

Knowing that it’s not enough

As the tears keep falling down my face

And I can no longer run for comfort into your embrace.

*

To the best grandfather anyone could have,

Please visit me in my dreams sometime….

So I can tell you how much your love shaped me,

and all of that it meant.

So I can walk with you once more,

sit close to you or just hold your hand.

*

I know my tears won’t bring you back

But they fall every time you cross my mind.

I hope that you are at peace now…

As I know you’re watching over grandma.

T


Poem Untitled

From a few years back…….

I think I loved you before I saw you.

Your face I’ve seen in my dreams.

That is also where I felt your embrace

and heard your voice calling my name.

Your lips, full and soft,

curved into a beautiful smile,

modelling a mouth full of pearly whites,

touching my heart and filling my body with

desire.

You see, I didn’t know that this could be –

that you could be you and I could be me

And that we could just be –

together.

Silent or in laughter.

Talking or in song.

Crying or in joy.

Have I known you from a time before?

Is this lust I feel,

or is it something much more?

How this happened I don’t even know.

But now that we’re here, I want to explore.

I want you to hold me, but please don’t let me go.

And maybe together we’ll both decide,

and learn how,

to not let go.


Lost Love Letter….

Hello old lover and friend,

You’ve been on my mind

And I wonder how you’ve been?

I hope this letter finds you

And that it finds you happy and well

I write knowing you might not read this

But then there is always a chance that you will…

I miss you.

I want to call you and tell you so every day.

But I know you’re not impressed by this

After all, it was me who pushed you away.

It was me who ended our incredible love game.

The funny thing about the heart is that you can’t tell it what to feel.

I know because I tried.

I told my heart to forget about you

Because you couldn’t give me what I wanted and needed.

I told it not to love you.

But I remain frustrated.

And I think a lot –

Of what we shared

The little time we had together

How compatible we were…

…then I remember all the things we didn’t and couldn’t have

Things I needed from you which you couldn’t give me

Not because you didn’t want to, but because it wasn’t the right time for you.

I suppose it really wasn’t the right time for me either

But in you, and in us, I saw glimpses of what I’ve been dreaming of –

A connection that goes beyond the physical

And is more spiritual

A connection which interlaces friendship in its foundation

And fills my heart with joy…

Funny thing about the heart,

Is that it also tells you when it’s time to part…

I couldn’t settle for just some of you –

I wanted to have it all….

I hope that you know

My goodbye did not reflect how I felt

Or how much love I had in my heart for you

But that it was something which I simply needed to do.

Perhaps our timing was off

But I couldn’t rearrange me, for us

And I doubt you’d have wanted that.

I think we will meet again

But not be together again, in THIS lifetime.

I am so happy we met and shared moments I’ll never forget

I cherish our songs, for they warm my heart

And make it easier being apart

You will be someone I will always miss

And even as I write this

I cry and smile

Because for a moment in time

I was yours and you were mine.

Before I get back to listening to our song,

There is one more thing which I want you to know

No matter whom I’m with or where I reside

I feel you with me.

You’re forever in my heart.

T

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giDfoYzwImA


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