Tag Archives: Love

The Dream Effect

Poetry, like dreams, stem from some truth –

a feeling, a thought, a perspective, an experience.

I cannot tell if my dream stemmed from a poem, 

or if this poem stemmed from a dream.

But it bloomed…and I hope your being

blooms, too.

Love, T

*****

 

 

I had the most beautiful dream

the other night.

It was a dream that stemmed from,

and exuberated, LOVE.

And I mean LOVE.

Pure and true.

And real! So very real!

 

The love of my life

was in my dream

and he was happy.

I mean HAPPY.

His smile, warm and contagious,

lighting up his face in a way

I always wanted to remember him by.

He was healthy too.

Healthy and happy.

Is there a better combination of state,

to have one BE,

in life?

I don’t know if there is

anything much better than that.

Truly.

It was a sight to see…

He was the way you would wish

someone you love

TO BE, but really,

to feel.

He was always beautiful,

to me,

but in this dream,

he was shinning.

Bright.

It felt amazing

to see him in that

light.

 

And it wasn’t just he

who was in my dream,

although he stood out

from the rest.

It was a home,

full of happy people.

My home.

My family.

 

Exhilarating.

It was an exhilarating dream.

It lifted me to a high that spilled

over into my

reality.

Not because it gave me hope

that my love and I will

BE,

one day.

But because my love

was healthy and happy.

I couldn’t wish him

anything other than

health and happiness…

 

I hope my dream

turns into his reality,

into YOUR reality,

into YOUR love’s reality…

health and happiness,

from my dream,

to your being.

 

 

Live.

Love.

Learn.

Grow.

Let go.

 

 

Fly.

 

Photo © T.Nikic 2014

Photo and edit © T.Nikic 2014


A Page From My Journal…

 

“May 18th, 2014

 

LOVE

We search for it everywhere and when our “search” leads to people with whom “love” doesn’t last, we start to give up. I think that this is because we fail to realize that LOVE does NOT reside in another but in our own Self. The only way we are able to engage “in love” with another, is by being able to love (and practice loving) our own Self. Then the search is no longer a search. Then we live and grow, and gain the ability to recognize people (or a person) who we are able to grow with, to learn from and teach, to spend time with, exchange thoughts and ideas, resolve conflicts and situations which arise as a result of our human condition mindfully, and we then truly love. Because once we are able to recognize people who we can be naked with on a spiritual, emotional, soul and thought level, it is then and only then that we can engage in trueness of mindful relationships that include the experience of love. So our “search” for “love” is inherently a longing for a mindful partnership, a relationship with someone who we can be completely our true self with, with whom we can share and grow and BE with.

The irony is that the only way (and I believe this strongly), for us to “obtain”/experience this, is via solitude – spending time with one’s own Self, learning your own heart, mind, soul, forgiving, embracing, accepting, letting go.”

I wish you love.

T

 

Photo by T.Nikic, 2011, Rome, Italy

Photo by T.Nikic, 2011, Rome, Italy


Soul Dance

Photo © T. Nikic

Photo © T. Nikic 

*This is a true story.*

In an ‘authentic’ Thai restaurant

On Bloor street,

One day, my friend and I

were eating.

We were sharing stories

about love and relationships,

and our current hardships with/in IT.

It was then that I first heard:

“Your souls danced together!”

spoken back to me

in response to the situation I had been describing.

And it made me think about LOVE, differently.

I recalled my past experiences

and how devastated or sad I was

when some of them ended;

and I realized that it was due to the fact that

I had associated that person

OR that relationship

with a hope, or a dream,

or a future which

I had only imagined for my Self,

while not really present in each moment of that relationship,

nor truly in tune with the person whom I was in IT with.

And then I had met HIM.

I knew he was the love of my life

about three weeks in…

of course that was also about the same time

I realized that WE were not going to BE in IT –

a relationship.

In any case,

I do not wish to glorify

the tragedies which seem to follow

MY “love” LIFE

but to tell you about my

SOUL EXPERIENCE,

with the love of my life.

It happened in steps,

gradually,

but all of a sudden and all-encompassing, it seems.

We spoke for hours at a time,

always looking into each others’ eyes.

And that was important –

to always look into each others’ eyes –

because they are the doorway

through which souls are able to greet each other.

Then, there was the soul baring nakedness –

this is not a physical thing,

but a spiritual connected-ness of Self

which was proudly and gladly shared

with the other.

It is the sharing of one’s limitlessness

with the other.

During that soul baring nakedness,

each soul bares its truth via

words, energy, tears, laughter, their gaze…

whichever way is most appropriate

for that soul’s story to be told.

And the soul who is receptive of the other soul’s story,

is embracing it and experiencing it

in a non-judgmental way.

The receptive soul may even shed tears,

or engage in laughter or

neutralize or intensify the energy

of whatever the naked soul is sharing.

(Side note: both souls are spiritually naked during this soul baring nakedness.)

It is an experience of elevation,

vibrations and souls

and life and being.

It is, in certain moments,

indescribable,

but only because the souls immerse and engage completely

in the dance with one another,

thereby leaving no real memory of IT,

the soul dance,

just the knowledge that the experience

DID, in fact, actually happen.

The souls who are able to dance with one another,

also serve as mirrors to each other,

of the conditions of the other’s soul,

of the energies their soul carries,

of the work that the Self needs to do

in order to stay true to,

and enable,

the flight of their own soul.

See, souls don’t belong to the Self,

but the Self ‘belongs’ to the soul.

The EGO twists the Self

into thinking that one can achieve control

of whatever pain or demons

are embedded in one’s memory,

and the ego is what coaxes Self

into holding on to that memory –

for if the Self holds on to those things

which have once ‘hurt’ it,

those past experiences will

continue to impress the “damage”

upon the Self;

and the Self will try to unload it

onto the soul,

but the soul does not hold on

to such memories –

the soul is only capable of

recognizing and exchanging ENERGIES.

And this is how the souls which choose to

dance with one another

act as a mirror –

they disassociate the Self from the experience,

so the ego cannot tarnish or attempt to question

the authenticity of the dance.

It’s just a soul dance

between two souls

that transcends time,

which travels alongside them,

and space,

in which their Self resides.

It’s an experience unique to the two souls

which engage in it.

Last thing I will say about it,

is that the dance between two souls

can only happen if the two souls

are able to recognize one another

from a time prior to the lifetime

their current Self is in,

and engage in the soul dance courageously.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is the true magic of IT.

The memory

of dinner at that ‘authentic’ Thai restaurant

on Bloor street,

reminds me that

another soul recognized ‘my’ soul’s experience.

And in that moment of,

and in each moment of recalling that memory,

the warmth of my Self’s smile

reaches my soul,

and that soul dance is recalled,

not as a memory,

but an experience

whose energy ‘my’ soul will

forever carry with it.

Dance well, soul beings.

Love, T.


Slow Dance

Nat King Cole’s voice, his music, his words, make my day better when I hear him. 

It makes sense it’s interwoven into a dream, right?

Dance well.

T

********

I want to slow dance
While Nat King Cole plays
In the background
With my best friend…
In our living room….
Amidst the chaos the day has left behind –
Toys, bibs, papers, – the results of lives
Our love has created.
I want to look into the eyes of my best friend
Before we embrace for our slow dance
And see his heart, his pain, his soul, his love….
I want to still see myself.
As he holds me close,
I want to rest my head on his shoulder
To take in his comforting familiar scent,
In gratitude,
And remember all that it took
For us,
To get to that present moment,
With the knowledge that it was all worth it.
I want to slow dance with my best friend…
Dance…
Slow…

 

Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gETTFM2PCYg


An Open Letter To Every King And Queen – YOU!

Incredible King,

I shall address you first because I want you to know just how grateful I am, to you, for being who you are. Your courage, your fearlessness, your drive, your spirit, your heart – it touches me so deeply that it brings tears to my eyes. I see you struggling to live out the truth in your heart and fight against the labels and expectations that society has unjustly placed on you, and you know what? I SUPPORT YOU! Please don’t ever stop listening to truths your heart holds. Follow and nurture those dreams so that we all may share in the joy of being true Kings and Queens together. I BELIEVE IN YOU! You have the intelligence, the love, the heart, the creativity, the courage, the spirit, to bring to life ALL of your dreams. It’s never too late to start on one you may have given up on or put aside for something else. LIVE out your each moment of now fully, completely, with an open heart. TRUST YOUR SELF. Know that YOU CAN! And please keep your heart OPEN because true strength lies in vulnerability, and as Dr Brene Brown points out, not only is vulnerability the ‘most accurate measurement of courage’ but it’s also the ‘birthplace of innovation, creativity and change’. CLOSE THE GAP BETWEEN WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU WANT TO BE. Against the backdrop of everything you didn’t have or didn’t like growing up, you’ve used your energy to become the opposite of it until one day, you finally realize, you’ve always had it – YOU ARE LOVE. Sometimes, love is tears. Sometimes, love is hugs. But always, ALWAYS love is forgiveness and love liberates. Don’t close your heart to who you are. You are love. And I love you.

Amazing Queen,

Your light shines so bright that it warms me to my soul. Your strength, your courage, your selflessness, has inspired me to give. PLEASE CONTINUE TO GIVE! I know that this world can be cold but we can thaw it out and make it warmer by sharing our light with those who’ve shut their own down. I’m not saying we do the work that they have to do for themselves for them, I’m just saying we can show them. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. No matter your size, your colour, your height, your shape, your hair, your clothes, you are beautiful. DO NOT allow ANYONE to make you doubt that. I know you have a good heart – one that’s been through a lot and has fought battles and struggled and has been broken, but your heart is what we all gravitate towards. REMEMBER THAT!!! Keep your heart open and take care of it. Nurture it with experiences, interactions and people who lift your spirit. DO YOU!!! Whatever your passions are (and I know that you have many), explore them. Allow yourself the time and the space to do the things you LOVE! And you and I both know that shoes, as amazing as they are, aren’t your real passion. Look at the truths your heart holds. See how beautiful those truths are? NURTURE THEM. LIVE OUT YOUR TRUTHS. Make sure that you KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN. That is the only way that you’ll finally understand that you are a Queen because YOU ARE LOVE. And just like I wrote to our Kings – Sometimes, love is tears. Sometimes, love is hugs. But always, ALWAYS love is forgiveness and love liberates. Don’t close your heart to who you are. You are love. And I love you.

Courageous Kings and Queens,

Let us always remember that we can only see in others, what we’ve come to see and embrace in our Selves. I see Kings all around me not just because the men I know are, but because I see myself as a Queen so how can we NOT gravitate towards each other? Our energies feel good and uplift one another. THAT is the power of LOVE. Love isn’t just that non-platonic, romantic exchange between two people of the same or opposite sex (love is free!), but love is that connection we nurture with our open hearts with those who lift us and nurture our spirit. I know we’ve been hurt, and we’ve been down and low and sad. But we ARE. Life, of course, is going to be filled with unpleasant situations, people, experiences. But that doesn’t mean that we should simply give up and close down and shut our Selves off from being, from feeling, from loving. It means that we are that strong, that we can go through a ‘bad’ experience and instead of that being a brick or two we use to build a wall around our hearts, it is actually an opportunity to grow and learn and give and forgive and most importantly, it’s an opportunity to love. You see, it’s not about being vulnerable with every person whom you meet or whom you are related to or in friendship or relationship with. It’s about not allowing life to change you and make you into someone whom you don’t like or want to be. Whatever type of support you may need (i.e. emotional), make sure that you go with your open heart to that person whom can offer you that, and not go to one who isn’t capable of giving it to you (i.e. reaching out for emotional support to someone who is emotionally unavailable). Get to KNOW each person in your life and what type of support they can offer you. Once you’ve learned that, utilize it when you need it because we are all in this together. We are meant to lift each other up, become better and grow as individuals. Let us keep giving and showing each other love.

Final thoughts Kings and Queens:

A courageous heart will allow you to reach your dreams.

A smiling heart will enrich your life.

A loving heart will inspire others to become better.

An open heart will give reason to LIVING.

BE OPEN AND LOVE!

Love, T


Snippets Of Unwritten Poems…

I believe that every writer (and poet) has unfinished pieces of work that they’d like to get to at some point. And they come from different places of emotional states. Here are some of mine, as I try to put them in perspective for you.

Love,

T

***

I am sure I was thinking about my life and my work when I lost my sense of NOW when I wrote this:

“I wish that my world

Could stop spinning so fast.

I need to catch my breath,

Take a seat and relax.”

***

This came from much work on my Self over the last three and a half years. Realizations like this strike me at times I least expect. I am happy to report that I’ve been working hard on all of those walls…we’ll see where it leads me and how all of that goes!

“My head is throbbing

But the pain isn’t there

I can’t locate it exactly

It’s hidden by a wall I’ve built

A long time ago

And it’s ready to be broken

I’m ready to let go.”

***

I am pretty sure this was a reflection of my past heartbreaks…friendships, loves and other life’s lessons…

“A hot shower

Can wash away the dirt

And the tears

But not the scars.

Those remain

And stay with us.

No matter how hard

We try to scrub them out”

***

This was written at a time when I realized that sometimes being strong isn’t all that strong. Real strength comes from being who you are – your feelings and all – letting it all show.

“I wanted to hold back my tears

But I knew they had to fall.”

***

I think I will always feel like this!

“I am not a poet

But I write out of love”

***

I do not believe in Valentine’s Day. In fact I do not think that there should be a reason given to anyone to express their love, care or affection to someone. I love spontaneity and surprises and I think that this was just one of those times when I was on a “man-hating” rampage when I wrote this.

“There should be a man

At my door

With flowers in his hand

To remind me of affection

And that chivalry is not dead”

***

These lines are heavy. They reflect some of my disappointments and many of my truths of past relationships. Although there is some ego in it, it was mostly to reflect the fact that, I believe in trying to make things work and giving it my best try. I don’t ever want to walk away from a connection or a relationship and wonder would things have turned out differently had I just done a little bit more? I think we walk away too soon nowadays. That’s where these lines come from.

He said: “In life, you have to pick your battles.”

She replied: “Will you ever fight for me? For us?”

***

I must have been thinking about my ‘perfect’ guy here…

“Your name is on my lips.

These lips you’ve never even kissed.”


Love’s Truths

I dedicate this to the man who elevated me as a woman and inspired me to strive for more. I am so grateful to you for that and for the time we spent together.

Love, T

******

I can’t change how I feel about you

Nor will I try

You’ll always be a part of me

Forever in my heart

 *

I’ll carry you with me

Everywhere I go

Not because I’ll try or want to do so

That’s just how it goes.

*

When you love someone,

You love them always and forever.

No one can take

Your place in my heart.

*

I loved you before we met

I loved you when we were close

I loved you when you were far

I still love you, even now.

*

But your place in my heart

Although it will never be erased

Will get displaced

As that is the way it goes.

*

Some come into our lives

And stay there for a moment.

You came into my heart

And you’ll stay there forever.


Learn To Love…

I was off from work today. It took me some time to get myself organized and leave my place to run the errands I needed to complete.

But eventually I got myself together – I put my hair up in a bun, put some large hoops in my ears, opted for a dark pair of jeans and my white Marilyn Monroe print tee to go with my new grey jacket I bought in Chicago a few weeks ago. I left my house with the feeling that I looked as good as I felt (and I felt good!)…which is a great feeling as we all know.

My first stop was the nail shop. I walked in and there were no other customers so it was nice and quiet. My nails were made beautiful again and as I was waiting for my toes to dry, this LOUD ‘female’ walked in. I didn’t get a good look at her until she sat in the chair beside me. (I’d say she was around my age.) She was probably a few inches taller than me, minus the curves. She must have had 3-4 layers of extra long fake lashes glued onto her lids. Her lips looked like they’ve gone through one too many collagen injections, and I actually thought that they looked kind of painful to move or touch. Her hair was not combed well so you could see where the extra long extensions were glued on. But the most elaborate thing on her ‘body’ were in fact, her breasts. Imagine two basketballs, side-by-side on a long board. Except these basketballs are so heavy that they’re not only starting to sag a little, not only are the covering half of her torso, but they’re actually bending her back forward and exaggerating her kyphosis.

Because she was sitting beside me, AND was very loud, I heard everything that came out of her mouth while I was there. One thing that stood out was her story about the fact that she phoned the shop yesterday, only to get the nail shop lady’s husband on the phone. When she was trying to make the appointment she said “I’m the one who comes there all the time. You know, the one with the big boobs?” and laughed after that punchline. (That made me think of three things: 1. she was actually proud of her two basketballs, 2. she identifies herself as her basketballs, or 3. she hides her true self behind her basketballs.)

I was grateful when my nails were dry and I could go about the rest of my day. I can’t lie – I found it extremely hard NOT to stare and wonder how bad she must have felt about herself before she took such extremes to plasticize her body.

I made my way over to Kensington market where my first order of business was lunch – AND I ate dessert too, for I also remembered the loud ‘female’ at the nail shop saying how she ‘forgot to eat today’. SIDE NOTE: Natural curves on a female, are a must!

After lunch and dessert, and after completing my intended food shopping, I was making my way out of Kensington when I read a statement on a banner of sorts, which actually inspired this blog post:

“If you desire love,

learn to love.”

It’s so simple, yet so lovely, isn’t it? If you want to have love in your life, you must then learn how to love. And who better to start with, than YOU?! I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “Love yourself first”. Well, that’s the key to overcoming almost every fear, every struggle, any pain or sorrow you’re holding onto in life.  For some of you, you’re reading something that is obvious to you, and that’s because you’ve probably done the work you needed to do on your Self and you understand it as the truth.  But for others, however, you may be asking “HOW DO I GET THERE? HOW DO I DO THAT? HOW DO I LEARN TO LOVE?” which is great because you’ve recognized that you have some work to do AND that you’re ready to do it!

So I’ll be honest, although I’ve reached a place of love for my Self that’s deep, vast, accepting, joyful and has brought me a deep sense of peace, I am not an expert or a doctor. However, I do have a few things I can share with you that I learned during my journey which may be helpful to you, in yours.

1. DO NOT put off doing the work you’re now aware you need to do.

2. Spend time with yourself. Write to yourself, talk to yourself, listen to your own thoughts and feelings. Pay attention to your inner reactions.

3. Deal with ALL of your baggage – NOTHING should be swept under the carpet . This may involve crying, laughter, grief, periods of highs and lows. There is nothing wrong with going to a professional (counsellor or therapist) for guidance.

4. FORGIVE YOURSELF.

5. Take ownership of your actions, reactions and words of the past, which still seem to follow you. Understand their consequences and take note of their lessons.

6. FORGIVE YOURSELF.

7. Look in the mirror and point out all the things you like and dislike about your body. Work towards loving those areas EXACTLY as they are. I bet as you start to really love your Self, your body will start to change and look better. NOTE: Everything we feel manifests itself physically – our bodies reflect what we feel. Often this shows as a noticeable outwards physical change to others and ourselves (NO, I am not talking about silicone breast implants the size of basketballs here!), and sometimes it’s an inward physical or physiological change that only we can feel (you have pain everywhere and there is no explanation that your doctor can find for it through any tests he or she has run). It’s important to become aware of our Self – body, mind, spirit, emotions are all interconnected.

8. Be honest with yourself. The truth may not be very pretty but until you face it, you won’t make any progress.

9. FORGIVE YOURSELF.

10. Embrace the change this journey will bring to your life. Know that not everyone will stay with you, and that’s okay. Be aware that there are no shortcuts and sometimes you’ll feel like you’ve reached a plateau but that’s just a small ‘break’ until you have to move on to the next part.

Last few things I need to point out are important.

Remember how you got to where you are right now. Recognize what or whom you allowed to help you lose you. We’re all only human so forgive yourself.

Know that our work on our Self is never really over. And it’s not supposed to be. We’re meant to make mistakes and learn from them in order to grow and become better. But also know that once you love yourself, it doesn’t mean that’s it and you can sign off on journey as ‘completed’. It doesn’t work like that. As long as you’re breathing, you have a choice of living. And you’re not completely living unless you’re loving. And you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself FIRST, AT ALL TIMES, ALWAYS.

One Love,

T


Best Friends

Life is short. Live it. 

T

***

I’m on Michigan Av

Sitting on the steps

which lead to

The Chicago Art Institute.

There is a lovely

young lady playing her violin

and with each string

that she strokes with her bow,

I feel as if she’s revealing

my heart’s hymn.

Her music speaks of  truths

and broken hearts,

happy times and lovers’ quarrels,

summer warmth and the cold wind…

As the wind plays with my hair

and the sun kisses my skin

my thoughts lead to a tale

I once heard

about this boy and a girl.

They knew each other since her birth,

Best friends from the beginning,

chosen by one another for life.

He attended her wedding

and she danced at his.

They saw each other through

the heartaches prior to then,

all the difficulties of their marriages.

Even their kids grew up to be

best friends,

played together on the street,

sat side by side in grades two and three.

And when she got sick,

he went to her and stayed by her side,

despite the raised eyebrows

of her husband and his wife.

One day, close to her end,

he was sitting beside her,

and holding her hand,

she opened her eyes and asked

“Why do you remain here, by my side?”

He raised her hand to his lips,

as a tear rolled down his cheek.

She waited for him to speak.

When he gathered enough courage to talk,

he raised his eyes to meet her puzzled gaze and said

“I’ve loved you my entire life.

You are my best friend.

Here you lie, fighting for your life,

as I sit helpless with one huge regret.”

He paused there

while she caught her breath and his tears fell.

He spoke again,

much softer this time and said

“My whole life,

I longed for you to be mine.

I was too scared to tell you how I feel,

and now that you’re here I think of

how different both of our lives may have been

if I had just told you that

from the very beginning.”

She too was crying now

trying hard to catch her breath

for the words he just spoke

touched her to her core.

They sat in silence for a while,

looking into each other’s eyes.

When she finally spoke,

her voice was clear.

“I too have also loved you from the very beginning.

My whole life I longed to be with you

but I too was scared

to speak my truth.

My time is running out

and we can’t go back to change anything

so instead of regretting the time we didn’t spend,

Let’s enjoy our right now.

When I leave this place and our kids are of age,

I want you to sit them down and tell them this story

so that they don’t repeat our mistakes.”

He nodded his head

for he couldn’t speak.

He couldn’t believe that he spoke his truth

at the age of forty-three.

Almost half of his life passed in fear and now

it’s too late

because his best friend is leaving.

As they stayed in her final moments,

before she closed her eyes,

he whispered

“I love you”

in her ear

over a thousand times.

And as her breathing got shallower

his voice became louder.

She opened her eyes

one last time,

said “I love you”

and let out

her final sigh.


I Reminisce…

 

I dedicate this poem to the lovers who are together in spirit but apart in reality. I know that you’ll relate as you reminisce too… One love, T.

***

 

On this warm summer night,

I think of you

and I think of us.

I close my eyes

and I see your face.

I pull the covers tighter around my naked body

and I remember the feeling of your embrace.

I recall the warmth of your hugs

and the stories of your kisses.

I smile all over again…

Did you know you made me smile?

When we were in the same space,

or apart…I used to think of you and smile.

And I smile yet again

as I reminisce of us

and of how it used to be…

I think a connection that strong

won’t ever go away

and maybe one day

you’ll come back to me

one warm summer night

lay down beside me

and just hold me tight.

And I smile right now…

I keep smiling as I reminisce

of you and I….


%d bloggers like this: