Tag Archives: feelings

A Song Broken Down…

Any form of art we create, has its own life, which is carried by those who receive it with any of their senses. Its life lies in connection with a memory, feelings, a recognition of, and a relation to past experience(s) of the person who is engaging with it, be it via visual or auditory (or taste etc) stimulation. We are human beings. What makes us truly human, in my opinion, is our ability to FEEL. Emotions, feelings, are part of our human experience.

 

Photo ©T.Nikic, 2012

Photo ©T.Nikic, 2012

A very important side note: Our souls don’t ‘feel’. Our souls are a distinct energy which allows us to develop a spiritual awareness during our human experience. We are able to ‘recognize’ souls we’ve met in a previous life or those souls we are inherently connected to (i.e. soul mates). But our souls, even at the moment of recognition of another, do not have the experience of FEELING. But our humanity does. Our souls simply experience an elevation of the vibrational frequency of their energy at this time. That’s something we as humans can FEEL as part of our human experience, but our souls just have an energy ex/change. That is all.

Why am I talking about art, souls and the ability to feel as part of our human experience?? Because of a song I just stumbled upon. Yes, it’s that deep. Why am I going to the extreme of writing a blog post about it? Because it matters and because I recognize our human tendencies of getting caught up in emotions which can subsequently lead to an emotional roller coaster ride. Remember Adele’s Someone Like You? Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You? Or even bits of Rihanna’s Stay ft. Mikky Ekko? If experienced in a misinterpretation, rather in a state of being that is in an uncentered emotional turmoil, those songs could lead to a prolonging of (or the creation of) an attachment to a feeling which is fleeting, as all feelings are. ALL FEELINGS ARE FLEETING. This song, to me, is a more mature, aware, grownup, male version. Oh you’re wondering what song I’m talking about? Read on, please. 🙂

When I first listened to it, I found the song, like parts of the aforementioned songs, ego based, because initially I felt that it was written from a space where there was an attachment to a person/feeling (as the songs above were). However, after watching the video, and listening to the song on repeat for a few hours, just reflecting and connecting to it, I realized that (or interpreted that) this piece of art was rooted in honesty. I felt that it wasn’t a song about longing for a lost love but a realization that one missed out on the experience of love because he did not allow himself to be vulnerable. He realized too late that his fears and ego prevented him from experiencing LOVE, because he was scared, for whatever reason, and now he is in this melancholy, not regretful, but a very mindful state of awareness: TO EXPERIENCE LOVE, WE MUST BE VULNERABLE WITH ANOTHER, AND OVERCOME OUR FEARS.

 

 

In relationships with another, irrelevant of the intensity of the connection, we have to be emotionally naked in order to truly experience LOVE, with another. After all, in order to receive a hug, we must give a hug. The difficulty for some lies in showing love, but more often than that, it lies in difficulty in receiving love, of ‘allowing’ another to love us. The reasons for this can be complex and are often rooted in our childhood ‘misinterpretation’ of love. But it basically boils down to feeling unworthy of someone loving us. That’s a painful and damaging lie we carry with us, unknowingly sometimes. But this song, as simple as the lyrics are, describes that realization, of the fact that he did not experience that closeness with her because he couldn’t go there with her, on an emotional level. His ego led him to think that she’d come running back to him, but she found happiness with someone who wasn’t scared to go THERE – to be open, and honest, and vulnerable on an emotional, spiritual and mental level. He held on to that ‘ego thought’ until he realized that the reason it didn’t work out between them, was because of his fears and ego holding him back from that soul baring nakedness, that is needed to experience such closeness with another human being. He is grieving the death of his fears, as he realizes that those fears are what was ‘killing’ him, his spirit, and his ability to experience LOVE, with another.

 

I have shared my breakdown of this song because I wanted to remind all of us that in order to experience LOVE with another, we MUST not just be vulnerable and courageous enough to love another, but also be vulnerable and courageous in allowing another to love us. I wrote this because I want to see people engaged in mindful, loving, and emotionally fulfilling relationships, myself included. Of course there is more to relationships than this – they take work. But imagine if we based them on, and built them in a sacred space of honesty, vulnerability, and soul baring nakedness? I bet there’d be more happy people walking around…

Love liberates. Love doesn’t bind. Love liberates.

 

And no, it will not eradicate powerful art. If anything, it may feed and fuel the creation of more art, that’s even more touching and powerful.

 

Oh and about the song that inspired this post? Click here to hear it.

Peace and love,

T

 

 

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Going Deep….

“It always comes back to the same necessity: go deep enough and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.”~May Sarton

There’s no shame in going deep….One Love, T

*****

For a long time, I wasn’t sure what feelings were actually made up of…

Was it of star dust or much smaller particles?

Like the atom, for example, with its nucleus of positive, in a cloud of negative charges

So that you remain balanced or maybe it’s much smaller than that –

Kind of like energy which you can’t see or touch,

Which can’t be destroyed or created,

Simply transferred or change forms, so much so that I often wonder –

Whose feelings am I channeling?

And are they well placed within my element of returning grace??

As I put them on a low shelf for they’re too heavy for travelling,

And too big to sit down with, discover and understand.

But it’s hard for a man, or another woman, but especially for a man,

To understand,

So I’ve learned not to bring it up in a conversation over tea or dinner,

During a game of seduction, which is lead by hormones, not feelings, and mood lighting, not meanings.

So I take all that to a place where others speak their own truth,

For that’s the place where I’ll go deep and lose myself in my emotions –

That is my biggest downfall and my biggest devotion –

Simply to be able to FEEL.


LOVE, FEELINGS AND ALL THAT JAZZ…

“I’d like to run away
From you,
But if you didn’t come
And find me…
I would die.”
― Shirley Bassey

Some would argue the following but I think one big thing that distinguishes humans from other species is that we are emotional beings. Our ability to feel is precisely what drives us to do what we do – be it in our career choices, creative expressions, our interests but most especially the people who we choose to spend time with. So it is safe to say that we aren’t able to really and truly live if we don’t feel…wait, is that actually possible – not to feel?!

I have been blessed with an old soul which some have humbled me by equating it to wisdom. And T’s ‘wisdom’ has been taking some notes in the last couple of years as my own work on Self has been progressing. AND since sharing is caring….read on! 😉

I have become aware of the increase in the number of people who are walking around ‘not feeling’. Some of them walk around shuffling their feet, others putting on the biggest smiles, some yelling and screaming at anyone they can, but most of them are ‘normal people’ just like you and I, walking around doing ‘normal people’ things in ‘normal people’ ways. Yet I can never turn away from their gaze without seeing that glaze over their eyes which to me, just screams…well it screams many things – fear, pain, self removed from the world. Now remember, you would never be able to know what it is that that person has gone or is going through. The only thing that you will sense is their emotional disconnect which makes it hard for them and for you to effectively connect/relate to and communicate with each other.

Take a minute and think – have I just described you or someone you know? Don’t stop reading – you are not being judged. I still think that you are amazing. Take a big breath and remember, you are not alone.

Just like a person has many layers to them, some of which aren’t always complimentary but are actually contradictory, so do feelings! Every emotion we feel has its own truth, time and place. It’s not about breaking down the emotion and labelling it as good or bad, but taking it as what it is and allowing it to be expressed in an objective way – similar to different aspects of our personality, huh? The thing is, we’re not always taught how to deal with emotions, communicate our feelings or express them in a way that doesn’t consume our whole being so we take it to the extreme – either by getting completely lost in them and allowing them to control our actions and reactions OR by suppressing them. Being someone who has done both, I can honestly tell you that neither of them are healthy for any part of our being.

Getting lost in my emotions paved the way for draining, incoherent arguments which were damaging to the relationship and both parties involved. They would leave both people feeling absolutely exhausted and confused as to how things escalated to that point. I understand now that I was holding on to feelings from the past I hadn’t dealt with, which actually had nothing to do with the conflict I was dealing with at the moment, but because these emotions (past and present combined) were overwhelming for me, I couldn’t see myself outside of myself nor outside of my emotions….well until someone who I love and highly respect pointed it out to me and literally changed my life (shout out to S.A.M.!).

I’ve also suppressed feelings which…well to be honest I suppressed feelings which made me feel pain, embarrassment, anxiety, but I also suppressed love. You see, as a result of an unhealthy relationship, combined with unique childhood circumstances, death of my hero, and a splash of growing pains which I simply ran away from, I blocked myself from feeling. I didn’t think I did this of course because I was still social, and fun, and did things, and travelled, and interacted with people….except that I wasn’t really able to BE. It was as if, I kept myself busy with everything that I felt was good for me, just so I don’t have to feel certain things. ‘WHY?’ you ask? Because I was scared.

I feared feeling. Not only did feeling lead me to emotions that I didn’t understand how to handle in a healthy way, but it also led to pain – “Even when I loved, it sometimes hurt so why would I do that again?”, I thought. But the thing that broke my carriage was all that heavy baggage…and garbage. You see, we can only suppress feeling any emotion for so long. At some point you come to realize that something is just not quite right because that ‘success mountain’ (success could be any personal advancement, be it love, career or family) whose top you’ve been trying to reach has suddenly quadrupled in size because you have too much ‘stuff’. And then you realize that you gotta stop and take a break wherever it is that you are at that point to sort through all of that ‘stuff’ which you’ve been carrying around and not dealing with.

Now I’m going to keep it real here – sorting through your ‘stuff’ is NOT easy, it is A LOT of work and it’s NOT always fun! However, very quickly after engaging in the process (which by-the-way is unique to everyone), you start to realize how much lighter you feel, how much more meaningful your interactions with others become, and most importantly you realize how much you’ve grown. No longer is the ‘child’* inside of you, who does not have the right tools, experience or knowledge to deal with emotions, telling you to hide, but you’re actually consoling it and nurturing its growth and maturity. You took your ‘child’ emotional state by its little hand, and walked it along the path of love really.

I can already sense some readers thinking “Love?! What’s love got to do with any of this? We’re talking about not feeling here! Stay on point T!” but the truth is to truly love anyone, including Self, we have to love ALL – the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’, the ‘happy’ and the ‘sad’, the ‘angry’ and the ‘forgiving’, the ‘serious’ and the ‘goofy’….that’s called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. And if we’re suppressing our emotions because some of them don’t make us feel good, then it’s the same as not accepting the multitude of layers of our personality – we cannot love unless we embrace and accept ALL. Our feelings and emotions are reflections of us and truths of who we really are. They’re not always going to be lovely and nice. They’re just going to BE. And we have to allow them to be and feel them in order to climb the ‘success mountain’ which has now become almost a flat plain with bumps and hills and mountains and valleys along the roads but it’s not so draining walking it anymore. The ‘stuff’ isn’t heavy now and we’re so much more fit for any rough terrains and weather conditions…well that’s been my experience anyway.

I would not be who I am today if I didn’t have all that ‘stuff’ but I would not be able to keep going if I didn’t deal with it.

Love yourself, embrace and feel your emotions, and LIVE your life fully.

T

*I use the word ‘child’ here not because it is a reference to things from our childhood but to highlight the fact that, in a way, not dealing with our stuff and not feeling OR allowing our emotions to control our actions and reactions, suggests that we are in a child-like emotional state and that there is a need for growth. It is not meant to be derogatory or bad or to make anyone feel bad – after all, that is how I would have described my young Self – but it’s just my perspective.


Emotionally Unavailable

This post was inspired by the lyrics of Adele’s song Set Fire To The Rain.

T

***

I feel like I talk to you

a million times a day

but I wonder if you hear

all that I say?

All of what I want you to know?

Do my feelings show?

In the midst of our letting go

I hadn’t really let it go.

But now I see the reality of you and me

and I realize why we cannot be.

It’s not that you’re incapable of loving,

or of loving me,

actually it’s your

emotional unavailability.

You’ve placed a wall around your heart

and your entire being

making it hard for you to go anywhere

that requires mindful thoughts and feelings.

I cannot imagine what or who

caused you so much pain,

but because I love you,

I want to make it go away….

and then I realize

that I can’t.

I sit here in my space

thinking of you

and your embrace.

Your face is so lovely,

I don’t think I’ve ever told you so

but it comes to my mind quite a bit….

and it sure makes me smile….

When you’d hold me in your arms

my world was a happy place..

no troubles

or a sad face…

all this because of your embrace.

I’m not sure you knew

the effect you had on me.

You couldn’t see that I loved you

from the very beginning.

Like Adele said,

my heart fell..

you just didn’t realize

that you were actually holding it

right in the palm of your hand…

now, do you understand?

I look at you

for all of who you are

and I can’t seem to make out

if you’re living or just breathing

right now.

I want to hold you

and tell you how amazing

you are…how much you’ve changed my life

but I can’t because you’re not in a place

to even understand the face of

my heart space.

And it makes me sad

to know that you’re in so much pain

and I cannot do anything to make it go away.

I love you so much

but that’s not enough

nor is it the answer to a heart

with walls around its gates,

which are closed and locked..

your heart tucked away

in a garden of pain

overgrown and unkept

perhaps due to fears

of what you might find..

but I think you’ve decided that it’s easier

just to leave it there

tucked away.

Of course you can’t let me in your space

you’ve not been there in years

so how can you truly even know

the truths it holds within?

Maybe it is calling for me,

but you don’t know and you never will –

you don’t allow yourself to feel.

So I sit here,

in my space,

which I let you come into,

except now you’ve gone and you’re so far away

and instead of feeling your embrace

I feel your pain

as my tears fall

down my face…

wishing I can take you in my arms

and hold you

in my embrace.

I wonder if, when your walls come down

and you start feeling again,

you’d let me love you

and if then you’d understand

what I meant when I said

that it hurts me

when you go away…

maybe then you’ll understand

that you give me everything

without ‘giving’ me anything…

I hope you reach THAT

heart space…

some day.

***

Watch YouTube link with lyrics here:


T stands for…Tough?

Have you ever been in a situation where someone, of the opposite or same-sex, be it a friend, a relative or someone who you’re involved with, who you care deeply about, does something which completely goes against your standards of how you want to be treated? Or YOU hurt someone because of something mindless you said or did or a mindless reaction you had to them thereby failing to meet their standards?

Two wrongs don’t make a right is what my friend B always tells me and it’s so true. Sometimes when someone hurts us we lash out because we almost want to impregnate their entire psyche with the pain that we feel, the pain which they placed on us intentionally or unintentionally, be it through their words, actions or lack thereof just to make sure that they know how WE feel. After all that is what our defensive ego enables us to do. And since we’re creatures of habit, unless someone lets us know, how would we become aware that we’re doing something negative and break the cycle we’ve been participating in for so long???? Oh yes, it does require us to be able to see ourselves outside of ourselves, which is very difficult if we’re consumed in our own pain, darkness or undisclosed and un-felt feelings.

The difficulty always lies in the involvement of the heart and the fear of loss. If we love someone, we want them in our life and therefore we want to forgive whatever it is that they did since we don’t want to lose them. But when someone does something which makes us feel disrespected, hurts us or breaks our trust, there has to be a time-out and a reassessment of the situation. For one, many ‘little’ things can add up to create a big problem in the future, for they create a precedent for what is acceptable if left as not addressed or ignored at the time of their occurrence.  The second part of it is that these ‘little’ things can plant seeds of doubt which cause cracks in the foundation of the relationship thereby making its future collapse almost inevitable.  The most important part though is in situations where we are faced with something that our gut or instinct tells us is wrong, we have to take a stance, uphold our standards and stand up for ourselves. A perfect, and unfortunately a very common example would be infidelity – if you forgive it because you love your partner, you are sending them a message that it’s okay and that they can (AND IN 99% OF CASES, THEY WILL) do it again. (Of course, some people cheat because they cheat but often the roots lie in the relationship itself, for we are the ones who ‘create the monster’ so to speak. Therefore in cases of infidelity, both people have to go away and take responsibility for the cracks in the foundation of the relationship which led to its collapse.)

Other side of the coin lies in our own reactions, replies and choices of words and actions, whether it’s in reply to something someone’s done or a mistake we made. In being real, we have to be mindful of and take responsibility for what we do just as much as the other person who is involved. And sometimes we don’t fully understand the impact of our replies, actions or words, until the storm has passed and we can now look at the field and view the damage we’ve contributed to.

Many times, our emotions take over when we’re dealing with a conflict and it affects how we handle and deal with the situation. Unfortunately, that is what gets us in trouble. Sometimes we get lost in our own emotional turmoil that we’re not able to fully and completely listen to the other person nor accept their truth. But if we do, it doesn’t mean that we are agreeing with whatever they did wrong (if they were the ones who did something wrong) or that we are lowering our standards and sending them a message that it’s okay, but we’re creating a situation where healthy adult communication can take place.By the same token, if we are the ones who did something wrong then we also need to be able to hear the other person’s truth and accept how what we did or said made them feel and the impact that it made on them and the relationship.

I do want to point out that this is not a tit-for-tat type of situation that I’m describing or endorsing at all. It’s about being mindful in how we deal. I’ll be honest and speak from my own experience – I have learned not to reply to or participate in a conversation when upset and emotional for it leads to things being brought up which are not only hurtful to the other person but also stray from the situation which lead to that conversation in the first place. (For example, sometimes we bring up things from the past, which may or may not have anything to do with the other person. The person who is bringing up old stuff may just be looking at it as examples of situations which brought up the same feelings but to the person on the receiving end, it can in fact be hurtful because they may feel as if we’re comparing new raisins and old coconuts – the magnitude of the situations being completely different. The end result is usually a ‘blowing up’ of sorts where the ‘conversation’ becomes so involved that it’s emotionally draining for both people.)

I realize that it’s hard to sometimes end a friendship or a relationship with someone who we love or care deeply about because they made a mistake and did something wrong, but if they’re not made aware of what is acceptable, then really would they even think that that is something they’d have to correct, work on or be mindful of in the future? And remember, the same goes for you – if no one tells you, then how will you know?

I also believe that time does make a difference and that people can come to a place where they are on the same page if they take an appropriate amount of time apart (this could be years for some!) and work on their own ‘issues’. True love is unconditional and it doesn’t stop if someone hurts us. Sometimes, love does conquer all…but only if you stand up for yourself, listen to each other’s truths and keep it real.

We all make mistakes, say or do the wrong things and fail many times. But from all of that we can choose to learn and grow, or to keep doing the same thing over and over and over again. Bottom line is that I believe in standing up for yourself and upholding your standards AND I also believe in being mindful in how we react to or deal with a situation.

T

“Courage can give voice to those who are voiceless. Those of us who have a little courage, we can develop more. I don’t believe courage is something that you’re born with, I think you develop courage and you can develop it in small ways.”
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination.”
“If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die.”
“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But, people will not forget how you made them feel.”
“The truth brings the past into the present and prepares us for the future. That’s what truth does.”
All quotes – Dr. Maya Angelou

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