Tag Archives: Facing fears

A PERSPECTIVE ON FEAR

    FUNK 2 THE RIGHT | T.Nikic 2016 | Oils on canvas.

By T. Nikic

It is not something you’re born with, but something you learn. And you do not learn it because you need to learn it or because you learn it from a happy situation. Often times, fear is laced within a scar that is hidden. People hide their scars when they think it makes them less attractive or less beautiful. It’s the same thing with fear. People internalize their fears and don’t talk about them because they think it makes them less attractive or less beautiful.

 

Some people are aware of their fears and have made a lifelong commitment to facing them. Others have allowed their fears to guide them in life. Never risking too much, playing it ‘safe’. Only going so far within relationships and with people whom they meet. But those who have made a commitment to facing their fears often don’t realize that they have a fear until someone, whom they do not know very well, triggers it.

 

Triggers of fear can be very random, overwhelming and surprising. How one addresses and deals with these triggers is a choice. But because people who have made a commitment to face their fears in life have often internalized their battle, they only really know how to go within themselves and try to deal with it internally. Alone. It’s not that they do not want to connect with others, but they feel shame and remorse that that fear exists, and feel that they will no longer be attractive to another if they see it.

 

The thing of it is, fear can sometimes be like a gust of wind, bringing with it everything great and everything not so great that was surrounding you and the person who triggered the fear. It could be the most beautiful connection, your ideal in fact, and you want to enter that space with the other person, but fear is just blowing this strong current at you, creating a small tornado-like storm around your being. You have no clue on how to stop it or calm it down enough to maintain the connection with the other person.

 

In many ways, you feel crippled. Stunned. You think to yourself, “I just met the most incredible person. Someone I’ve been hoping to meet. And here they are, ready and willing to explore this connection with me, but I’m so scared.” My fear questions everything, “Is this real? Are they real? You’ve not been here before; you think you can actually do this? They will see you’re scarred and then they will walk away, don’t you forget that.”

 

You do not want to push people away, but because you allow your fear to take you into your Self, you aren’t able to nurture the connection you discovered with the other person. And they do not know you well enough to know if you’re still there and interested, or if you’re pulling away. They do not have a good reason to stand the fear storm with you, because you haven’t given them enough to go on.

 

As you’re trying to sort through your fear, your surroundings become foggy and you can no longer maintain eye contact with them. You want to ask them to be patient with you, to wait for you, and maybe even hold your hand, but you think that that’s way too much to ask from someone you don’t know very well. You feel them slowly pulling away. Shutting down. Shutting you out. You hate seeing the change in the energy between the two of you, but the fear has gotten really strong at this point. It has exhausted you and you’re falling. A thick fog has formed around you and you have no way of seeing past it. There is nothing for you to do except to try to minimize the pain of the fall by curling up into yourself, completely looking away from the person you wanted to let in.

 

After some time, you wake up and realize that you’ve managed to survive and exhaust your fear. Sure, the fear storm has scattered all the shame and remorse on the ground surrounding you, but you do not reach for them. The scar your fear was interlaced with is completely exposed, but that doesn’t make you feel less beautiful anymore. You realize that the fog has cleared. It’s not sunny but it’s calm. You look around, trying to locate the footprints of the person you wanted to let in, but the fear storm was so strong that it has erased them. You start to panic and begin thinking of how to get ahold of them, how to reach them. You have no signal on your phone. There is an old payphone but the cord has been cut. You try walking down this path and that path, but they’re all dead ends.

 

You make your way back to the space you first met them, the road of brave souls, and you sit there, alone, with the hope that they might come back for you and give you another chance. You’re there for only a short while, because you realize that it’s not about going back, but moving forward. If you cross paths again, you’ll have to show your scars and tell them those stories. Otherwise that fear you broke free of, will win. And fear will always win…. if you let it.


Untitled Dedication

I dedicate this to the man who, I believe is out there,

growing, preparing himself for me. – 

I may not know your face, or your name, or your age,

but I’ll recognize you when we meet. 

Love, T

***

I want to show you

How to make love to a woman.

Now, pay attention

Because another man cannot give you this lesson.

Woman.

I stand before you right now

As the woman you’re about to make love to.

It’s dark and you cannot

Make me out clearly,

But if you close your eyes

I’ll help you really see me.

Clearly.

Sit comfortably,

Keep an open mind,

But keep your eyes closed

As I break it down.

I’m going to call you Baby,

If you’re doing it right.

I’m standing before you naked,

In dim light,

Turning around and around

With grace, like a ballerina.

Keep your eyes closed.

My hair is down,

My skin is glistening,

My eyes have a twinkle,

And I am wearing a smile.

You start at my feet

As you slowly move your gaze up

My twirling body.

See the curves of my calves?

The strength of my thighs?

The pronounced curve of my firm bum?

Yes, I know –

I want you to run your hands

Up and down my legs, too.

Stay focused now,

You’ve not even reached my waist

With your gaze.

You see the little outward curve

At the base of my tummy?

You know, the one I’m so insecure about?

Well, it looks good in this light

And I’ve grown fond of it.

You notice the tone of my back and arms.

The rise and fall of my breasts.

Your gaze stops at my neck

As you admire its sensual curve.

My hair is long and soft

And it draws your eyes up to my face,

Meeting my smile,

And the twinkle in my eye.

You speak to me now

In a language only you and I understand.

It has no sounds, no words, no vowels or nouns.

Everything you’re communicating to me,

Has its own special energy

And it’s filling the spaces between my ribs,

Making my breathing heavier and deeper.

I feel your warmth.

I feel your strength.

I feel your courage.

I notice your breathing is heavier

And hotter.

Now it’s my turn to close my eyes,

And feel you.

I trust you.

I’ll let you touch me now.

As always,

You feel incredible.

We are getting close

To the explosion,

The fireworks,

The waterfalls,

The beautiful release.

We’re enjoying each other

Like a cool breeze

On a hot summer night –

It’s necessary

For peaceful rest and dreams.

Intertwined with longing

Our souls are in sync

Loving deeply –

The borders blurred

So we aren’t able to tell

Where one ends and the other begins.

It’s probably better that way

It intensifies our climax

And against the black clear night sky

We see a falling star.

It must be a sign then –

Our souls were meant to be together.

I look into your eyes and they reflect what’s in my heart –

Love.

Love for me,

Love for you.

Our love.

And I am happy because you faced your fear

And loved me,

Even when you weren’t convinced

That it was all real.

Even when you thought that it was a dream.

Even when you wanted to believe,

But couldn’t,

That real, true love, exists.

I am so proud of you Baby,

For being so courageous,

For loving me,

For giving us a real try.

I wake up,

Only to see,

That my world is exactly

How it should be.

You remain seated,

Watching me,

Because you know

That there is no need

For either one of us to move.

Without words,

Or sounds,

Or vowels,

Or nouns,

Without fears,

Without holding back,

We make love to one another,

From opposite sides of the room.

Yes Baby, it’s all in your eyes,

And your courageous stance

When you faced your fear

And learned how to

Love a woman –

When you chose

To love

Me.

*****

You can watch my performance of this poem here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFR8Cpo5Qsc


Be One of MY Heroes!

Just like an onion, every one of us has many layers and depths. Some, we allow others to see, but many remain hidden and protected from the outside world. The layers include multitudes of talents and skills, our thoughts, ideas, dreams and beliefs. Somewhere in there lies our greatness. We can choose to either hold on to it OR utilize it to realize all of what we want to achieve. I have been thinking about accomplishments, rather people’s accomplishments within their lifetimes.

I took some time to reflect on my own accomplishments and the things I’ve done in my life thus far. Then I thought about my parents’, my friends’, and the achievements of the different people I’ve had the pleasure to know or meet. And I realized one very important thing. We, ALL of us, have many different interests and goals in life that we’d like to be able to explore and achieve. It could be ANYTHING from learning how to play an instrument or a certain dance, obtaining a higher degree of education, writing a book, composing a song, moving to a new place, running your own business, starting a blog….. 😉

Perhaps due to fear (of trying something new or thinking that we can’t), I’ve noticed that often we get “stuck” in the everyday “stuff” of our lives and somehow put aside those dreams and ideas we have. Other times we go through a hardship and then ‘shut down’ so to speak – emotionally or mentally – and don’t move past it. In other circumstances, we choose to settle for the life we DO have, even with the knowledge that we can do more, because we’re happy with where we are. In all of those situations, our thought process rules the outcome of our lives and what we accomplish.

I’d like to make a side note here in regards to “financial limitations” which is the most common ‘reason’ people use to NOT do something. I actually do not consider lack of money to be a limitation in doing anything for if there is a will, there is a way. A prime example are my own parents. After losing everything during the war in Bosnia, my family was in poverty. We literally went from being upper-middle class to having NOTHING. My parents brought us to Canada and started over from NOTHING. And guess what? My parents are part of the middle class now and have achieved success! How? Hard work, and NOT giving up! My dad’s big line when coming to Canada was “I can be a factory worker if all else fails, but I’m going to try to do more first.” and he did (note the thought process). I do not think that there is anything wrong with working any type of job.

I would like to point out that no matter what you choose to do or not do in your life, you’re not being judged by anyone nor are you meant to live up to anyone’s standards or expectations. In fact, I believe that the only standards you should meet and maintain are your own.

As mentioned above I think that, often, through our own thought process, we prevent our greatness to be utilized in working towards realizing our ideas and dreams. (Of course the first step is to realize the greatness within, but that’s a topic of conversation for another blog. 😉 ) And yet we are given so many examples of people growing up in different adversities and still they realize their dreams. I’ll only mention a few – Elvis, Oprah, Marilyn Monroe,  LL Cool J, Madonna, Maya Angelou,  are surely names you’ll recognize (and if you aren’t familiar with their stories, read about them!); but I am sure that you can (as can I!) think of people who you personally know, who aren’t celebrities or in the entertainment industry, but are successful in their own right because they made a decision to work towards something they felt passionate about and achieved it!

In the beginning I wrote that there are many different interests and goals in life that I believe we would all like to attain. However that list can be overwhelming as it is often long and a lot of work! But the thing to remember, in my opinion, is that you don’t have to do everything all at the same time. Start with that which is most suitable to where you are in life right now, give it your best try, and once you’ve achieved it and took a moment to congratulate yourself, move on to your next challenge! We only have this one life, yet time seems to pass us by quickly, so all I am saying is – please use your greatness to live your dreams awake and be one of my heroes! 🙂

T


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