Two people meet. They are attracted to each other. They share their stories with each other. They discover they’ve both been through heartbreak (Surprise! *sarcasm*). They find comfort in their understanding of each other’s stories. They spend time together. “Fall in love”. But their relationship somehow isn’t working. SOMETHING is ‘missing’. The two people break up for reasons not completely understood and for actions that cannot be forgiven. Does that sound like a story you’ve heard or lived through a few times yourself?
So one of these two people decides that after this break-up, they’re going to not date for a while, spend some time alone and actually get to know their Self. And what this person finds is that the reason that the last relationship didn’t work out was because they didn’t deal with the baggage of past relationships that they’ve brought to that relationship. In fact, the baggage was so vast and deep that its roots laid in their childhood, their insecurities and fears were nurtured in so many of their non-platonic and platonic relationships with others, and in fact that’s why they couldn’t BE with anyone completely, fully up until that point of their life. They go ahead and sort through all of those feelings, discover their roots, break them down, start looking at their past and the world with an adult set of eyes and then start thinking about their last relationship. Of course, since the energy of the universe moves in the direction of truth, there is contact with the ex. After a short conversation, the person who has done their Self work, realizes that their ex hasn’t. And then they’re left with a choice – to go back to something that didn’t work out before (and which will for sure not work out again) or let go and move forward – it’s the ULTIMATE test from the universe in terms of finding out if a person has learned their lesson.
What do you think is the right choice to make? And please, leave feelings out of it. Just be real and true to your values. Where should this person who has done all this Self work now go? Would it be wise for them to go back to a situation where there was no real growth evident on the other person’s end?
It makes me sad when I see a person stuck in his or her own hurtful cycle in terms of relationships. It’s like people knowingly get into being with those who are: not only emotionally unavailable, but who are also a little lost, carrying around a lot of baggage from their past and are absolutely not nurturing to those they are close to. (Note: I am not judging any of this. I have been through it which is how I know about it.)
The thing is, no one can make anyone grow up. It is a CHOICE. Working through one’s past and issues IS a choice. Self work is extremely important but one must deem it necessary in order to get to where they want to go in order to view it as such. It’s important to remember that you are not a halfway house for broken hearts. People have to come either whole, having already dealt with their baggage, or are in the process of doing their own Self work.
We have to stay true to ourselves. We must stand in our own integrity. We know right from wrong so we must do right. But we also have to remember that we are an example to those around us of how to treat us right.
Nurture those traits, behaviors etc. that are important to YOU, that lift YOU. Stand up to traits, behaviors etc. that hurt you or aren’t nurturing to you. If you don’t demand the best, you won’t get the best. And remember, whatever you bring out in others, what you give to others, is a reflection of you, of your desires and needs. So as much you need to ensure that your needs are being met by another, also pay attention to what the other person’s needs and desires are because, although you may be able to fulfill each others’, you may speak two different love languages.
Having been hurt by one person is never a justification for hurting another. Do not allow your ego, your fears and insecurities, and most importantly do not allow the wounds from your past, to turn you into someone you are not. Yes, it sucks that you were hurt. No, it wasn’t fair. But LEARN from it. Don’t let it define you as a person. You ARE above that. Choose who you want to be. Choose how you want to live your life. Choose how you want your life to look like. Then, after you’ve acted on all of those decisions, and after you’ve done your Self work, THEN be open to being in a healthy, mindful, nurturing and loving relationship with another person. Because, the truth is, people can only go with you as far as you go. The deeper you know your Self, the deeper your bonds with others…if allowed.