Tag Archives: creating mindful and nurturing relationships

Vulnerability…Recovered

 

A page from my journal entry:

“Dec 1st, 2014

I spoke with my sister this evening and I recalled a memory my mom shared with me, of me, when I was a child. My mom described me as this little girl who just did not want to go into the sandbox with the other kids, to play and get dirty, but would instead cross my hands behind my back and observe the other kids playing. It’s an image that parallels a lot of the struggle I experienced as an adolescent, a young woman and an adult in my friendships and relationships with others. I was the observer who didn’t really feel that I BELONGED anywhere, but instead observed others and their interactions, but was somewhat scared of being ‘known’ so I simply kept my true self hidden from others. It wasn’t until recently that I thought about displacement as a result of war (I am from former Yugoslavia, the region of Bosnia), and what that truly did for my spirit, understanding of self and others, my lack of the sense of belonging anywhere, and its effect on any relationship I attempted to participate in, that it dawned on me… THE one thing I thought I wanted, truly wanted, was the one thing I was truly afraid of – BEING LOVED.

 

I was afraid of being loved.

 

Why? Well I did not love or like mySelf for a long time, which is a starting place for reflection. But when I looked into it deeper, I realized that: 1. being loved means that someone is making a ‘commitment’ to me which they may not be able to maintain consistently; and 2. that would involve vulnerability on my end, and on that person’s end, and I simply wasn’t comfortable with it. That basic human essence – birthplace of creativity, love, nurturing and mindful relationships, a true display of courage – was very uncomfortable for me.

 

Why was it uncomfortable? Why is being vulnerable so scary? Because you put your true Self in the spotlight, on display and it may not be everyone’s ‘cup of tea’, so you open your Self up to criticism, rejection, ridicule… Except when you decide to face your fear, be vulnerable in showing who you really are, you find that people respect you more and are more accepting OF you. And that’s love.

 

So I’m stepping forth on my intentions of building mindful, respectful, nurturing, loving relationships, and allowing mySelf to simply BE ME, my true self, in all situations and people I encounter.

 

That does not mean that everyone deserves, or will be given, a backstage pass to my life, but it does mean that the right people will be invited to know ME.”

 

In order to get a hug, you must give a hug…

 

Love, T

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A Page From My Journal…

 

“May 18th, 2014

 

LOVE

We search for it everywhere and when our “search” leads to people with whom “love” doesn’t last, we start to give up. I think that this is because we fail to realize that LOVE does NOT reside in another but in our own Self. The only way we are able to engage “in love” with another, is by being able to love (and practice loving) our own Self. Then the search is no longer a search. Then we live and grow, and gain the ability to recognize people (or a person) who we are able to grow with, to learn from and teach, to spend time with, exchange thoughts and ideas, resolve conflicts and situations which arise as a result of our human condition mindfully, and we then truly love. Because once we are able to recognize people who we can be naked with on a spiritual, emotional, soul and thought level, it is then and only then that we can engage in trueness of mindful relationships that include the experience of love. So our “search” for “love” is inherently a longing for a mindful partnership, a relationship with someone who we can be completely our true self with, with whom we can share and grow and BE with.

The irony is that the only way (and I believe this strongly), for us to “obtain”/experience this, is via solitude – spending time with one’s own Self, learning your own heart, mind, soul, forgiving, embracing, accepting, letting go.”

I wish you love.

T

 

Photo by T.Nikic, 2011, Rome, Italy

Photo by T.Nikic, 2011, Rome, Italy


Do YOU fit into a box?

 

I have come to realize that we often put people in a square or a category when we first meet them, just based on what they say and/or do. It’s kind of like deciding for the other person the capacity in which they are able to be in our life instead of actually giving someone a chance to show us who they are and what they’re about, what role they are able to, and are willing to, play in our life.

 

I’ll be the first to say that I’ve done this. I think it’s a defense mechanism but it actually is a very fear-driven thing to do. We’re always intrigued when we first meet someone by whatever it is about him or her that caught our attention in the first place, and drove us to wanting to get to know that person. But then we place stipulations on them on what they could be to us, via pre-conceived notions we’ve formulated based on what we’ve been shown and what we’ve seen growing up, and in our personal adult experiences… (BTW, I am referring to any type of relationship here – be it platonic, familial or non-platonic.)

 

I think that, as individuals, we are all somewhat scared to be vulnerable with others. Yes, it opens us up to the possibility of getting hurt, but it also creates the potential of developing nurturing and mindful relationships with others. Yet the walls we keep around our Selves not only impede that, but also deflect the gifts the other person comes bearing (be it friendship, an opportunity to create, love, etc.). And so we end up getting stuck in this never-ending cycle of amazing people knocking on our doors and us never fully allowing them the opportunity to show us all these gifts they come bearing. Often we are so focused on who they could potentially be to us, what we could get out of such a relationship, the reason why we’ve crossed paths, trying to figure out if they’re a reason, a season or a lifetime, etc. that it distracts us from the present moment but it also leads to one or all of the following:

 

1)   It puts people into a box with respect to the capacity they are able to be in our life.

2)   It puts pressure on the actual relationship to be something other than what it is.

3)   It creates a relationship with limited growth potential of either individual and of the relationship itself.

 

I do believe that a huge part of growing up is letting go – of viewing the world with the same set of eyes, of how we’ve imagined things should be, of ideas we’ve held onto since childhood about how things ‘should be’ – and actually focusing on what is. It is not necessary to have it all figured out when you meet someone. It is actually mindful to pay attention to that person – their habits, their needs…whatever it is that they choose to share with you – and create with them the type of relationship that is nurturing to both of you, whatever that means or entails.

 

Be open to more.

T


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