Category Archives: Sex

Maybe it’s just me….

I was in my first ‘relationship’ when I was eighteen years old. It was a late summer romance that lasted until about the following spring. He was a handsome, nice, hard-working guy who was close with his parents and did his best to balance full-time school work and a part-time job. During my holiday visit of him and his family, I vividly recall one interaction. We were out the night prior and got up late. His mom was home and we were discussing breakfast. I remember one minute he was looking at me like I was sunshine, smiling at me and then, just before he got up to grab something from the coffee table, he turned to his mom and said these seven life-changing words: “Show her how I like my eggs.” I am not sure what prompted him to say this and if he felt that in some weird way I would find it endearing, but something felt ‘off’ about that to my eighteen-year-old Self, who did not have the language to articulate or even understand how she truly felt. Perhaps then, this blog post was born, when I was eighteen years old.

 

A single woman living alone in a big metropolitan city, with a stable job, hobbies and close friends, in today’s day and age, is, frankly, common. It has not always been this way, as noted in the workforce composition/proportion of men vs women, in the last century. Perhaps it is somewhat of a recent trend, of say the last three or four decades, that women have gained the courage to be even more independent from their ‘home base’ where they were raised.

Of course, not every woman who completes school and/or secures a job which provides her financial independence, acts on it by leaving her parental home, solo. Be it for cultural reasons or to save money so that she can become a homeowner on her own, some independent women stay home and I pass no judgement on them. I, however, live alone in an apartment with a view of the lake, that is walking distance to work. Okay, my entire life is within a 15 minute walking radius. I’ve worked really hard over the years to make my world an oyster, and I am extremely grateful for it.

Perhaps due to my strong independence gains, I’ve become less tolerant for interactions with others, and notably men, which simply do not nurture MY personal growth, but often leave me feeling….kinda motherly. I’ll admit, I have that motherly, nurturing thing inside my Self that comes out naturally, whether I am aware of it or not. I’d like to think I’ve become more aware and mindful of it, but it’s hard to be someone you’re not. And I like me. Unfortunately, I think that attribute of mine has played a role in the kinds of men I’ve attracted over the years. I’m not saying ALL of them, but there have been a few interactions I’ve looked back on which somehow illicit a feeling of nauseating panic and…a shudder that seems to always be paired with an involuntary ‘Ugh!’. Some were good people, but it was my allowing of some of the interactions which took place, the length of time I stayed in IT, how much precious energy I expended on these men, which lead to these internal reactions of my Self. I’m going to share a few of these stories because, well, there are lessons in them for every man and woman. And also, I am not the same woman who went through those experiences so my shame has turned into forgiveness, wisdom and love for my Self. You may relate to some of these….be it as the guy or the girl.

 

 

Mott Haven, Bronx. August 1979. From The Faces in the Rubble, by David Gonzalez.

Mott Haven, Bronx. August 1979.
From The Faces in the Rubble, by David Gonzalez.
Confession: I posted this photograph because it represents what I’d love to experience: the two of us (the man I’ve yet to meet who will choose to be a part of US) dancing together, to a common beat…it’s one of my dreams. 😉

 

 

I’ll start with a choreographer who I met through a social network. He was charming, funny, sexy as hell, cool. We spent hours talking about life and seemed to have a lot in common in terms of our values and views of relationships. He had done a lot in his life already, as had I. He intrigued me. It was a long distance connection, and although based on previous personal experience I did not believe in long distance romance, I really liked this guy. He was exciting to me. He took an interest in me. He even flew countries on short notice to spend a few days with me, despite the fact that we had not spoken in almost a year at that point (back story: I had created a distance between us about six months into IT because of, let’s call it, a woman’s intuition). It felt like something too good to be true but I convinced my Self that this must be love. The time we spent together was magical and beautiful, but it felt to me that there existed a lack of something in his Self which he battled silently most of the time. And I found his silence to be loud and suspicious. A few months later, during our following, and ironically, last encounter, he acted out one of my deal breakers and made me end IT, for good. So at this point, this interaction had lasted over eighteen months and although I had learned so much from IT, I was exhausted. I had gone out of my way to welcome him with a home cooked meal anytime he made time to visit me. I allowed him to use my credit card to book his flight to come see me. I tried to please him and make him laugh because I wanted to see him happy. But he wasn’t. From the last time I had seen him, until he had paid me back for that flight, more than a few months had passed. And despite his emotional distance and unavailability, I wasn’t completely over this man at that point. It wasn’t that I felt he was the right guy for me – I had convinced my Self that he was. When I was finally over him, and this took a long while, I randomly came across a post on another social network (you never know who’s going to ‘like’ what, thereby showing up on your feed), of him and his girlfriend, dated around the same time he had flown out to see me. Suddenly, it all made sense. His distance. His moods. His unavailability. And I realized, I did not love this man. I just loved the excitement, I thought, he brought to my life.

 

I’ll skip to the lawyer, because this IT was short-lived. We met on the train platform on a hot summer day. Tall, dark hair, and handsome, he threw me some cheesy line I found cute. I found his mannerism boyish yet mature at the same time. He seemed like the no-nonsense type, so I gave him my number. And I was right – he contacted me later that same day. We met and had a great date on yet another hot, sticky, summer day. Over the course of his courtship, we went to the movies, the beach, went on excursions, he wrote me poems, discussed the future, how we’d deal with our cultural differences, our individual family relationships…it seemed mature. The first red flag was his initial suggestion he cook dinner for me at my place on our second date and have a sleepover. I wasn’t feeling his self-invite and simply told him that it’s too soon for me and I will inform him when I feel comfortable with having him enter my home. Had he not brought it up again, I may have been able to work through it. But the third time he asked, over our sushi dinner date, if he can come over ‘just to sleep next to me while cuddling and nothing else’, I snapped. I told him that it’s not his place to keep inviting himself over, but for me to extend that invitation should I so choose. (Of course each time he had done so, a seed of doubt that was initially planted by his first self-invitation, grew.) I did not expect nor anticipate his actual reaction, but it had ended THAT. This intelligent lawyer who took on human rights cases pro bono and was very convincing of his belief in gender equality, sent me a slew of emotionally charged messages in one of which he stated that my ‘rejection’ of his self-invitation to MY home, made him ‘feel emasculated’. In that one sentence, he ended IT…although he didn’t see it that way. I clarified it for him politely initially, and ultimately silently.

 

Now, the lawyer wasn’t the only one who had extended a self-invitation to my home, but I found his reaction most honest. There was this one guy who I went out with on less than a handful of platonic ‘dates’, who, on top of extending a self-invitation to my home, that seems to always come with dinner (which, in retrospect, I think I would have financed in his case), also thought that it would be fair if he did his laundry while at my place. And when I pointed out that he was trying to take advantage of me, decided that it was ok for him to continue IT without an apology or an acknowledgement that he overstepped his boundary with me. It took a long while for him to stop sending me messages despite my lack of response. At one point, I was concerned that this one may turn out to be a stalker, but I was fortunate he didn’t. I think….

 

There was also the artist, who I felt was a soul mate. We had this incredible connection. He made time for me. We did things together. He professed his love to me. He taught me a lot. We had deep conversations about life and shared secretes with one another that we hadn’t told a soul prior. We discussed the future. He told his mother about me and brought me around his child, whom I loved. It wasn’t until I felt emotionally invested in IT, that I found out he had a substance abuse problem. I had cooked for him, and paid for most outing expenses, because that’s what you do when you care for someone, right?? Besides, he was pretty much a single parent, as he had his kid for most of the week, so I thought that was right… Except it rarely made sense. Looking back on it now, I realize that he was someone who was so lost in his self-denied substance abuse, that I almost lost my Self in IT. And in all the ways it seemed like L-O-V-E, at the core of IT was a slew of justifications for self-destructive behaviour that had hurt me. To this day, I’m not sure he fully understood that but I did not stick around to make sure he got it. (When someone compares their chosen substance of abusive consumption to what coffee does for other people, it raises a huge red flag. And, despite your repeatedly expressed concern that it sounds like a serious problem they need to deal with, they not only continue their use more heavily but attempt to feed you words to try to convince you otherwise, you stop banging your head against that wall. It only hurts you.)

 

The last one I’ll mention is the student who was actually really sweet. And he came into my life at a time when I was finally ready to end my almost five-year ‘singlehood’  stretch. When I met him, he had a job, ambition, he was going to school, and had interesting perspectives. He was there whenever I needed him and he did his best to play the role of a mature man despite our age gap (I was older). As time went on, he quit his job and started hanging out at my place a lot. (Towards the end of it, even when I was not home.) Initially, I understood it as his attempt to spend time with me, but he didn’t exactly contribute to my home financially or domestically, and I came to resent it. Our parting was amicable but I was a little surprised when he called me a few months later, confused about why I had ended it. While we were in IT, I was too frustrated and annoyed with the situation to clearly express my feelings but when he had called me I was able to articulate my stance clearly: he made me feel like I was his mother. In fact I remember this one argument we had towards the end of IT, when I was at my limit of tolerance for his lack of ambition and motivation, where he wanted to add his boxer shorts to my laundry load and I refused it. It made me feel like I was in IT with a child instead of an adult and it completely turned me off. I have zero romantic inclinations towards children….which is how I ended up feeling towards the end of IT with him, towards him. And that was THAT.

 

I take full responsibility for the decisions I had made during those interactions, for my reactions and choices of words (or lack thereof). I also took many lessons with me from each of those situations (which, by-the-way, are NOT in chronological order), and have applied those lessons to interactions with men I connected with thereafter. I find many of those situations humorous now. I mean how else do you look back at someone you just met extending a self-invitation to your place for a sleep over AND to do their laundry during their ‘visit’??

You’re probably wondering why I’m even bothering sharing these stories on such a public platform, right? I see a lot of my old self in so many single, independent folks. And it’s not that they’re bad or interacting with bad people, it’s just that they’ve not fully understood or come to grips with THEIR self-worth. A person who understands and has complete knowledge of what they bring-to-the-table in any type of relationship – be it professional, friendship, platonic or non-platonic interaction – has developed an ability to not only listen to their intuition, but honour it and stand in his/her own integrity.

While recalling aforementioned stories, I remember my old Self; a generous young woman with a big heart, lacking a sense of her Self-Worth, with an underdeveloped emotional maturity, and a shortage of courage to uphold her Self-Love. I’ve not changed my Self, my integrity, honesty, transparency of who I am and what I stand for, but I have grown up. Everything I identified as something I lacked (such as emotional maturity) which I also want in a partner, I worked on developing in my Self. Sure, it took time and without a doubt there is always room for growth and improvement, but this has enabled me to make decisions with respect to my interactions with other people, much easier. It has also allowed me to articulate how I truly feel with not just a lack of fear, but mature confidence. And I’m feeling good (Nina Simone voice). 😀

I’d like to honour my eighteen-year-old Self with these important words:

I like MY eggs mostly two ways – sunny-side up or soft-boiled. 😉

Love,

T


“You can’t have your cake and eat it too!”

Until a few days ago, I didn’t realize that this post was necessary…

I regretfully thought that it was ‘men’ who act inappropriately and without integrity when dating. My eyes were opened this week when my friend and I started chatting about relationships and dating values, and he proceeded to tell me about a girl (‘cuz when you act like one, I cannot refer to you as a woman although you’re of age) who did some things that MEN and WOMEN consider to be wrong.

There is a lot to be said about integrity and treating others with respect. You really cannot do that until you figure out who you are, what you want your life to look like and the kind of people you want to have in it. But that’s really an aside note…

As per my standard, this post will not sugar coat.

Here’s the situation: A man met a girl whom he liked and she liked him. They exchanged phone numbers and started chatting. A connection was established as well as a comfortable vibe. He asks her out on a date and she accepts. Later he finds out that the entire time they were ‘talking’, she was seeing someone else. (This story could also read “A woman met a boy whom she liked and he liked her…Later she finds out that the entire time they were ‘talking’, he was seeing someone else.”.)

Here’s the reality: THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Do not treat others as if they are disposable. It is NOT okay. If you are seeing someone, give that relationship your full attention. If you are unsure about it, leave – you are not a tree.

Let’s look at things objectively… One, if you are involved, you have no business exchanging numbers with those who you have a non-platonic interest in/connection with. It’s basically a prelude to cheating. I am sure that you would not appreciate it if the person whom you are dating did it. Two, if you are involved, you shouldn’t be ‘talking’ to others with whom you have a non-platonic connection. It’s pretty much cheating because you are allowing someone new in your life and you’re not focusing on the relationship you’re already involved in. Again, imagine if the person you are seeing did that with others behind your back. Three, if you are involved and someone is showing interest in you, you are accountable to yourself, the person you are already involved with AND the person who is interested in you, to disclose to them the fact that you are involved. It is YOUR responsibility to disclose that information. Don’t hide behind the infamous “well you never asked,” followed by *shrugged shoulders*. You knew you were doing something wrong. Four, this type of behaviour must stop. Our society is losing basic relationship values because they are no longer being shown, practiced and taught by those who date.

Each of us should ask ourselves these questions: What kind of relationship do I want to have with another person? How do I want to feel within the realm of that relationship? What values are really important for me to have in a relationship? I bet if each person was true to their heart, being cheated on, dealing with their partner’s inappropriate behaviours and being made to feel disrespected and disposable would NOT make that list. And if that isn’t how we want our relationships to look like, then we need to act accordingly. After all, the energy that we put out into the universe, does end up coming back to us. We must be mindful of that.

I think that often, those who are seeing someone but are secretly talking to other people, show a lot of insecurity because they need to know that they are desired by many people. But the truth is, desirability by others should not be the driving factor of whom you spend time with or talk to or the number of people you talk to. I think we each owe our Self, our relationship and our society to really spend time alone and understand Self before venturing out and dating. Period. We should know what we want in a partner and be clear about it upfront.

What are you doing with your life?

T

 


Can we talk about something else…please?!

I must admit – there is nothing like having a day to yourself to do whatever it is you want to do. Currently I am sitting in my living room/studio space, sipping on some hot chocolate (made with almond and coconut ‘milk’), enjoying the view of the lake. And I think to my Self *in Louis Armstrong voice* what a wonderful day!

I reflect on the current state of my life and I can honestly say that I am happy. Of course my life is not perfect, and there are things that I am working towards making better, but I feel good about who I am and how I’m living.

There is no shame in that, is there?

For me, there isn’t. For some looking in, I – a woman in her early thirties who lives on her own, has a full-time job, writes and performs poetry, paints, has obtained two degrees, a woman who is LIVING her own life – I have not achieved the two most important (according to THEM) things in any woman’s life. That is I am not married and I do not have any children…yet.

In recent months, the unnecessary conversation with those who ‘know’ me, usually goes something like this:

THEM: “So T, what’s new?”

ME: “Not much, I’m just working and focusing on my paintings right now. I really want to complete enough work to exhibit.”

THEM: “Oh that’s nice. So do you have anyone in your life?”

ME: “I have lots of people in my life.”

THEM: “Well no, do you have that ONE person in your life? You know, it’s time to think about getting married and having children.”

ME: “Um…no I do not.” (And even if I did, I probably wouldn’t tell YOU. That is what I think, not say.)

THEM: “Well you’re young, you have time.” (Voice full of pity.)

END CONVERSATION.

Now there will be a different interpretation of that exchange depending on who is participating, experiencing or witnessing it. But as the person on the receiving end of the unwanted exchange, I’d like to share how I feel about it.

NOTE: If you are reading this, and you fall into the group of ‘THEM’, I do not hate you. Thank you for reading and learning about MY point of view.

We, as women, are taught by society, culture and family, to look for stability and that the most stable thing we can enter into with a man is marriage, especially if we follow that up by giving birth to other lovely human beings. I began questioning this a long time ago. Since when does a title guarantee stability? Who came up with this ‘idea’ centuries ago? Why do women have to be married and with children to be stable? (And who said that being married means that you will always be happy?) A committed relationship, is a committed relationship. A ring, or a big wedding marking this commitment will NOT make it BETTER. Yes, for those who have exchanged vows in front of their family and friends, have affirmed that it is special but their relationship did not necessarily change for the better. NOR DID GETTING MARRIED MAKE A WOMAN, A BETTER WOMAN (OR A MAN, A BETTER MAN).

Yes, there is value to the institution of marriage. But entering into a marriage or becoming a mother does not necessarily equate to stable and better.

I do NOT think that MY life’s value or my worth as a woman, is determined with/by entry into a marriage and/or motherhood. I am not for or against either. I just don’t want to be married to just anyone nor do I want to procreate with just anyone (or simply for the sake of getting married or procreating). I don’t think my life’s value is decreasing as I get older and am not married or a mother. Nor do I feel the pressure to follow societal, cultural or familial ‘norms’ in any way.

I do not feel self-pity for not being married. I am a complete person and I do live a fulfilling life, even ALONE.

Marriage or motherhood isn’t for everyone.  I am absolutely happy for those around me who are married and/or mothers. I think it’s lovely to experience that. Perhaps one day I will as well. But you better believe that I don’t spend my days imagining or thinking about it. Sure it has crossed my mind and I have spent time thinking about if I’d like to experience either, but at the end of the day, marriage and motherhood is about with WHOM you enter into marriage and create a life with. (At least to me it is.) And you better believe that I DO NOT have an age in my head that I need to ‘achieve’ this.

As individuals, we all have different concerns in life. Being married or having children is not one of mine, at least not at this moment in time.

I have a brain. Like an actual functioning brain. I am capable of thought, and I do exercise that capability. ON A DAILY BASIS. I reflect, I think, I analyse, I consider different ideas, view points, happenings, decisions, etc. As stated above, I have thought about marriage and motherhood but I really don’t feel ‘stuck’ there, in my thoughts. I have two science degrees and actually enjoy reading about physics, chemistry and the cosmos. I read a lot about psychology, physiology and development. Especially physiological development of a fetus…which is also something I had studied in university. I often ponder and am intrigued by the idea of energy. I READ. A LOT. OF REAL BOOKS. Perhaps not the same books you’ve read but I do read. I create. I cook. I exercise. I practice yoga.

So I CAN hold a conversation about things other than the weather….or marriage…or motherhood. Silence does not make me uncomfortable either. And I do know of many other young female professionals who will say the same thing.

There is NOTHING WRONG with discussing marriage or motherhood. At all. Ever. But I do think that there is a need to grasp the idea of other than, which can be considered for conversations, but also for grasping the greatness and capability of a woman. I think that everyone’s path in life is a choice. And just because someone’s choice doesn’t coincide with yours, does not mean that theirs is wrong or bad. It’s just different. I pass no judgement on those who are in a marriage and miserable or those who are miserable because they are not. Those are all individual choices and circumstances. Just because for centuries (and still!), women were placed in a box labeled “WOMAN” which only included the words “WIFE” and “MOTHER” in it, does NOT mean that that is all that a woman is capable of doing or thinking about, or that that IS her actual definition, OR that that is her only value on this planet.

So next time we talk, can we talk about something else…please??

T


One Day, It MUST All Make Sense…

It’s past my bedtime…kind of. I’m sitting up in my bed, with my old laptop on one leg (can’t have both legs go numb…yes my laptop is quite old…but it works!), and with my hair still wet from my shower, I am reflecting. Looking outside of my window, I’ve decided that mother nature is creating some kind of a winter wonderland that we’ll all wake up to. If I look up from my laptop, a painting I bought in India a few years ago, greets me. Even as I write “a few years ago” (which it actually was), I shock my Self, because that trip to India seemed to have happened a lifetime ago. In fact, this entire year, feels like it encompassed more than a few…at  least to me.

I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know that for me, 2013 was a tough one. As I reflect back on it, I am still in awe that so much had happened. And yet I am able to look back in pride and say that I DID IT! I not only survived but in some ways, I thrived! And I can honestly say Thank You and FAREWELL! without any regrets, sadness or anger. I’ve learned a lot, and I’d like to share my lessons with you. I’ll list them. Maybe you’ll find something good in them. Maybe you’ll want someone you know to read them. In either case, I am sharing them here, and wishing YOU a VERY Happy New Year!

Much love!

T

“MY BIGGEST LESSONS OF 2013”-LIST:

– finding forgiveness in your heart for whomever hurt you, gives you your power back

– the universe nurtures and protects you when you listen to your heart

– connections with others can come about randomly and unexpectedly, but relationships only willingly

– know your worth and speak your truth

– secrets erode relationships along with your mental health – free your Self of the burden and start healing

– it doesn’t make sense to keep doing what you’ve always done when you’ve learned and grown from who you were before

– if you want it, go for it

– learn to let go…and learn to listen to your Self on WHEN to do so

– NOTHING is promised or guaranteed – not even this moment – find gratitude in everything

– you have to learn to save your Self…often from Your Self

– do you

– there are some really amazing people out there

– not everyone is, nor has to be your friend

– people come to your life for a reason, season or a lifetime – know when to end a season tactfully

– listen to your intuition

– there is nothing wrong with seeking help of a professional (counselor etc) to help you deal or get through something

– family isn’t perfect but that won’t make it or break it – communication, respect and effort (or lack thereof) will

– addiction kills spirits – of the addict but especially of those who allow the addict in their circle

– know and state your boundaries when needed – those who care will respect them

– laughter. is. necessary.

– love can happen when you least expect it but don’t use it as a reason to knowingly start a going-nowhere relationship

– there is SO MUCH MORE to relationships than love

– love DOES NOT make a relationship

– crying is a good release

– do what you love – everything else is secondary

– be with people who make you feel good – anyone else is unnecessary

– don’t be afraid to face your fears – you grow and become so much better as a result

– a good hug goes a long way

– when you follow the truth in your heart, the universe helps to guide you to your dreams

– there are omens for everything

– stop and take in the sights, sounds and (SOMETIMES) scents around you

– take pride in your work

– stand for something

– love. just love.

– honesty really is the way to go

– know your worth

– being present alleviates the stress over what was, and the uncertainty of what will, be

– being present in each moment of now is tough but extremely rewarding and fulfilling

– what often hurts us the most is not expressing our Selves AND the thought of how something SHOULD be

– heart smiles are wonderful

– YOU ARE IMPORTANT

– YOU MATTER

– YOU ARE LOVED

– YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE IS NOT ALTERED OR SUPPRESSED BY PAIN, BUT BY YOUR CHOICE


Untitled Dedication

I dedicate this to the man who, I believe is out there,

growing, preparing himself for me. – 

I may not know your face, or your name, or your age,

but I’ll recognize you when we meet. 

Love, T

***

I want to show you

How to make love to a woman.

Now, pay attention

Because another man cannot give you this lesson.

Woman.

I stand before you right now

As the woman you’re about to make love to.

It’s dark and you cannot

Make me out clearly,

But if you close your eyes

I’ll help you really see me.

Clearly.

Sit comfortably,

Keep an open mind,

But keep your eyes closed

As I break it down.

I’m going to call you Baby,

If you’re doing it right.

I’m standing before you naked,

In dim light,

Turning around and around

With grace, like a ballerina.

Keep your eyes closed.

My hair is down,

My skin is glistening,

My eyes have a twinkle,

And I am wearing a smile.

You start at my feet

As you slowly move your gaze up

My twirling body.

See the curves of my calves?

The strength of my thighs?

The pronounced curve of my firm bum?

Yes, I know –

I want you to run your hands

Up and down my legs, too.

Stay focused now,

You’ve not even reached my waist

With your gaze.

You see the little outward curve

At the base of my tummy?

You know, the one I’m so insecure about?

Well, it looks good in this light

And I’ve grown fond of it.

You notice the tone of my back and arms.

The rise and fall of my breasts.

Your gaze stops at my neck

As you admire its sensual curve.

My hair is long and soft

And it draws your eyes up to my face,

Meeting my smile,

And the twinkle in my eye.

You speak to me now

In a language only you and I understand.

It has no sounds, no words, no vowels or nouns.

Everything you’re communicating to me,

Has its own special energy

And it’s filling the spaces between my ribs,

Making my breathing heavier and deeper.

I feel your warmth.

I feel your strength.

I feel your courage.

I notice your breathing is heavier

And hotter.

Now it’s my turn to close my eyes,

And feel you.

I trust you.

I’ll let you touch me now.

As always,

You feel incredible.

We are getting close

To the explosion,

The fireworks,

The waterfalls,

The beautiful release.

We’re enjoying each other

Like a cool breeze

On a hot summer night –

It’s necessary

For peaceful rest and dreams.

Intertwined with longing

Our souls are in sync

Loving deeply –

The borders blurred

So we aren’t able to tell

Where one ends and the other begins.

It’s probably better that way

It intensifies our climax

And against the black clear night sky

We see a falling star.

It must be a sign then –

Our souls were meant to be together.

I look into your eyes and they reflect what’s in my heart –

Love.

Love for me,

Love for you.

Our love.

And I am happy because you faced your fear

And loved me,

Even when you weren’t convinced

That it was all real.

Even when you thought that it was a dream.

Even when you wanted to believe,

But couldn’t,

That real, true love, exists.

I am so proud of you Baby,

For being so courageous,

For loving me,

For giving us a real try.

I wake up,

Only to see,

That my world is exactly

How it should be.

You remain seated,

Watching me,

Because you know

That there is no need

For either one of us to move.

Without words,

Or sounds,

Or vowels,

Or nouns,

Without fears,

Without holding back,

We make love to one another,

From opposite sides of the room.

Yes Baby, it’s all in your eyes,

And your courageous stance

When you faced your fear

And learned how to

Love a woman –

When you chose

To love

Me.

*****

You can watch my performance of this poem here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFR8Cpo5Qsc


Bye Bye

I am sad for you.

You’ve entered a lonely space.

It seems apparent to me now,

that you are not a person of your word…

the words which left your mouth

when we used to talk were really empty…

no real meaning except

to fill the silence which

you didn’t know how to live with.

I don’t know how someone can be so cold,

to pass by someone

who shared their time with you,

let you into their life,

their space,

and you pass right by them and say nothing?

Like none of that ever existed?

The only logical explanation

is that you really never cared at all.

You just filled up the silence

with words you never meant.

But now the silence is loud…

because the person who let you in,

has said a silent Good Bye.

You have hurt them,

more than they’ll ever let you know,

but it will always show

for, unlike you, they had feelings

and cared for real.

I hope you find peace in this place

within which you’ve isolated yourself.

It’s ironic that this poem exists

for you never wanted to become

a topic or a reason

for me to write this.

It must be hard looking in the mirror every day

knowing you lied…

except I doubt you’ve spent much time

with the person who looks back at you

with those sad, lonely eyes.

You hide it well behind that beautiful smile,

but I wonder how long you’ll keep doing that?

Staying busy –

Never dealing with any of it?

I see you’re just breathing right now.

***inspired by Nas – Bye Baby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtOOPt98iPc


Strong (?), Independent (?) WOMAN (!)

I wrote this poem for two people. One, I wrote it for HER – the strong, independent woman – just to let her know that it’s okay that she feels all this and that she is not alone. But even more so, I wrote it for HIM – the man – who, despite wanting to be with her, is either finding himself intimidated or unworthy or a little helpless in that he just cannot match everything she already has but forgets that she, just like him, really wants the same thing…togetherness.

Love, T

*****

They seem to always pray on

strong independent women.

I guess they figure

once they leave her,

she’ll be fine

dealing with

the emotional mess

which

they leave behind.

>>Because she’s independent,

and strong,

she can deal with it!<<

No repercussions

of their actions

on her heart

or mind…right?!

***

No, actually,

they’re all wrong.

She feels too, you know!

Broken promises

are empty words now,

their meaning

lost where

they buried

her dreams of

having a relationship

with a man who’ll

say what he means

and actually mean it.

A man who will

be there

and not leave when

there’s work to be done

or time to be spent.

A man who won’t sell her

the possibility of

what could be,

lifting her into a realm of

happiness

which seems like

it could finally be

HER reality,

but then….

But then he

drops her

and leaves her

where she was

before HE walked in.

Alone.

She is alone again

but now

she has to deal with

all of these

new feelings.

Like resentment,

for being sold a dream

which couldn’t be.

Because she always

hated falling asleep

and waking up

alone….

but HE didn’t know.

She never told him

that he wasn’t

just filling a void

nor was she

settling for HIM –

the truth is,

she wanted

him there.

His arms

wrapped around her

like he’ll

never let her go.

Good morning kisses

that lead to more

loving caresses

and…you know,

all the other things

that people

in-like

tend to do.

That message

in the middle of her day

which asked more

than the question:

“How’s your day going Babe?”

but also said:

“I’m thinking of you

as I’m working and

I know

that this small gesture will

bring a smile to

your face.”

And she resents

not having

someone else

to cook dinner for

because she actually

liked having HIM

come home to her.

So he took away

the possibility of THEM

when HE left

and left HER –

this strong (?)

independent (?)

woman(!) –

distressed.

Now she realizes that

she doesn’t really like

being independent

and strong

all the time

and that she liked

HIS company

and HIS love…

even if

he could stay for

only a little while

‘cuz this

strong, independent woman

now simply misses

his smile.

Don’t you just

love it when

they ask:

“You’re an independent woman,

and you’re strong, so

what do you actually need a man for?”

And perhaps

the answer

which she’ll continue

to give them is:

>>I guess you’ll never know.<<


I am a lady…do YOU understand ME?

Let’s talk about something real…or is it real? I confess – I bought and read Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” when it first came out and read it cover to cover…twice. When it was published, I had just got out of a long-term relationship. Okay, it wasn’t a very good one and I don’t really want to use the word ‘relationship’ to describe it because I don’t think it was a grown-up RELATIONSHIP, as in between a man and a woman…but I digress. Tonight I watched the movie, based on the book, called “Think Like A Man”. It was funny. It was cute. It was real. But to me, it was also missing something…

Man. Woman. The ying and the yang? Venus and Mars? Opposite sexes? Penis and vagina? Depending on where  you’re at in life you might use one of those to describe the relation/link (or difference) between the two, but the truth remains – we are unique.

Now I do agree with Mr Harvey – men are hunters and women the hunted. I also agree with Mr Harvey that men do chase the p**sy and yes it does run the world. The way he broke it down about standards, and ensuring that women lay them down from the beginning, is true…but REAL women KNEW that already. The truth is every REAL man and every REAL woman have standards and they stand in their own integrity to maintain them no matter what the situation is, nor whom it involves. I think that the book and the movie are good guides to say someone who is in their 20s and has really just started ‘dating’, to understand what it means. However, the thing that I didn’t really care too much for is the fact that it has been broken down, and presented as a game.

Personally, I hate playing games and it’s not that I don’t think that people play them but REAL men and REAL women, don’t have time for that s*it. They’re either in or they’re out. And guess what THAT is based on? It’s not about waiting 90 days to sleep with someone, or about forcing him to grow up, or about making an ultimatum to put you first, nor is it about getting him to put a ring on your finger. The truth is, well what I believe is that it’s about connections, deep connections actually, and the right timing. And THAT is something that NO ONE can give you guidance or clear-cut rules about. In fact, when something like that happens, your life becomes a love song, and a romantic movie, and a romance novel because it is something which changes your whole perception of what the world is truly about. You feel like a teenager again – you know that time in your life where you had dreams and aspirations and you felt able to achieve them all? Yes, THAT connection aka true, unconditional love. And you know what happens when a MAN and a WOMAN connect deeply at the right time and find unconditional love with each other? They commit to one another on every level and they work as a team to live the life that they decide on. They respect each other and they nurture each other’s love. They live. Not happily ever after, because one, nothing is promised and two, life isn’t always great. But they live through the good and the bad, and the happy and the sad and they work hard to grow together and give the needed amount of time and energy to their RELATIONSHIP.

And you know what else is real? When you meet ‘the one’…you will just know. The belief of that truth and that feeling will radiate through your entire being and you will know that you have never been more sure of anything in your entire life.

But that only happens when YOU and your love are both READY.

If you’re just dating, it is useful to read “Think Like A Lady, Act Like A Man” and the movie “Think Like A Man” is a good one to watch. But before you apply any of those ‘rules’, get to know yourself and understand where you are in life. ‘Cuz if you really are in tune with you, you’ll be honest enough to admit to yourself what YOU need to work on in order to PREPARE yourself to have someone by your side.

T


Lessons…

This poem isn’t about anyone specific nor is it meant to be hateful. It’s just a combination of mine and my friends’ truths. Unfortunately too many can relate and not enough are strong enough to get out and leave. There is a certain ‘vibe’ or feeling that encompasses situations described in the poem which we often ignore. More need to listen to their own intuition. 

Mistakes and experiences are only lessons if you learn from them…that means letting go, forgiving, understanding and recognizing it if it shows up again.

T

***

I feel trapped

There is something heavy on my chest

It’s hard to breathe

I can’t sleep

My heart has a weird beat.

The feeling isn’t new

It’s just more intense.

I thought I had it under control

It was all brought on by stress.

What a mess!

Why is it I let you do this?

The made up stories

And all your lies

I am a strong woman

It’s not even worth my time!

I hear you come through the door

 Trying not to make too much noise.

I pretend that I’m asleep

So you think you got one up on me

But I pray you can’t hear my loud heartbeat.

Cuz tomorrow I leave

And I will be free

No more heavy on my chest

No more stress

No more feeling like a bloody mess

You don’t need to know

Where I’m going to be

The only thing you’ll know

Is that I’m no longer here

And that we will never again be

Ever tear I cried,

Every lie you told,

Every late night,

Every fight you picked,

Every word to make me feel small,

I look back now and wonder

Why did I deal with it at all?

Terrible experiences in bed.

Awful energy everywhere you went.

Hell, you couldn’t even pay for s*it!

Oh I remember now!

It was that first lie you told

You said you were a man of your word

But did you think I wasn’t going to figure it out?

The girl called me and blew your s*it up!

I’m so sick of ‘men’ who lie

Insecure cowards

Trying to pretend they’re worth my time

I see right through that now

In a short period of time

And when I bounce

They call back saying “I miss you”

Of course you do boo,

You tried to floss with a real woman

Not a girl without a clue.

They say a person fools you once

That’s their bad

They fool you twice, it’s yours.

So I took it to the bank, cashed it in

And ended up with some words

TRUTH

HONESTY

INTEGRITY –

MY STANDARDS

NO MORE BAD BOYS!


S.E.X.

Please note this blog entry is for the mature and grown.

I wanted to discuss sex in the context of the importance it plays in relationships but also draw on some of the differences in the experience of sex for men and women. I am a straight woman so I can only write about heterosexual sex, although I do think that some of this applies to gay and lesbian sex as well. Also, I am writing this with the knowledge that my mom reads my blog, and that once she reads this one, I will be receiving a phone call from her much sooner than I normally would in our weekly discussions of my writing… What I’m saying is: I think this discussion IS important.

It has been my observation that there is a certain stigma attached to the word sex in our society. Not in the display of sex, as we are bombarded with it visually in almost every source of media, entertainment, fashion, internet and advertisement, but simply the word itself when it comes to its discussion in a public forum. Yes I understand that people talk about sex but seldom do people really talk about sex.

Let’s face it – sex is just as important to women as it is to men. Yes we view, interpret, experience and approach sex somewhat differently but that physical stimulation and connection with another person is very important to, and highly valued by, both sexes. From the many private yet interesting and informative conversations I’ve had with my male and female friends about the topic, there are some key misunderstandings/misinterpretations AND important commonalities I’ve identified.

S.E.X. is NOT just intercourse:

Perhaps our views of sex change with each generation, but I can definitely say with a great amount certainty that the most important part of sex, for most men but especially for women, is NOT intercourse. It really is everything which stimulates the body and the mind in a sexual and sensual way. Often, our upbringing directs how we should and do view sex, however I personally believe in using experience in our individual interpretations and allowing ourselves to explore…. And really how would anyone know what you do privately?

S.E.X. on the first date or shortly after establishing a connection:

According to many of my male friends, this usually tells them that the girl is ‘easy’ which some men interpret in a variety of ways, like: “She’ll ‘give it up’ anytime I want ‘it’.”, “I don’t have to do much to ‘get some’.”, “If she ‘gave it up’ so easy to me, she probably does with everyone.”, “Not the girl I’d date or be in a relationship with.”, “New ‘booty call’!”, “She doesn’t respect herself.”…..

According to my female friends (and my opinion is included in this) how soon a woman (notice no mention of “girl”!) engages in sex with a man (notice no mention of “boy”!) after meeting him has nothing do with ‘being easy’ and everything to do with an established connection. That means that most of the time, women go with what feels right to them and they’re not on a timeline of any sort. If a woman feels a connection with a guy on the first date and decides to go there with him, it is actually a sign of her knowing what she wants and likes. A woman (again notice no mention of “girl”) does NOT have sex with a man because of his social status, financial stability, the kind of car he drives, etc. It is all based on how they feel with that man (again notice no mention of “boy”) and if they are ‘into’ the connection established. (Gentle reminder that this is a discussion on sex, not relationships.) Hence self-respect, willingness of a woman to ‘give it up’, what the woman is looking to give or what she is looking for, play no role in her decision to (or when to) engage in sex with a man.

The experience of S.E.X.:

It is my understanding that the experience of sex for men is based mainly on physical and visual stimulation. Some may say that this is common knowledge but I’d like to leave some room for individuality. Even with that being said, I stand by the word “mainly” in the first sentence.

The experience of sex for women however is primarily emotional. I am not saying that women have sex only with men who they have some sort of an emotional attachment to, nor am I saying that physical and visual stimulation is not a big part of her experience of sex. What I am trying to point out however is that a satisfying and pleasurable sexual encounter, for a woman, lies in what she feels internally – about herself, how a man makes her feel, the connection they have formed, how they ‘vibe’ – just as much as what she feels physically. As a result, I’d like to highlight that sex is a huge investment for women simply because it goes far beyond the physical interaction.

The approach to S.E.X.:

Although this ties to the above discussion on the experience of sex, I do think it is worth discussing the approach to it as well.

Due to the differences in the experience of sex between men and women, during the process of initiation of sex, certain things may be more favored by one but not the other, hence there needs to be a balance between say romantic vs provocative approaches to sex. (Of course, this is all very individual and I am not trying to take away from that by using generalized or stereotypical statements as examples.)

On the other hand, through the discussions with my friends and personal experiences, I’ve learned that there are certain things that are greatly appreciated by men and women in their sexual partner’s approach to sex. I will only list them: passion, spontaneity, variety, newness, unexpected, fun, organic.

The importance of S.E.X. in a relationship:

I have a personal belief that as much as two people have to be ‘in tune’  on an intelectual, mindset, energy, lifestyle, common interest, religious views, emotional, and other connecting levels, they also have to be sexually ‘in tune’  for a successful and long-lasting relationship. I’ve seen this work both ways – relationships which shouldn’t continue, do so as a result of two people being ‘in tune’ with each other sexually, and I’ve also seen relationships end, as a result of two people not being ‘in tune’ with each other sexually. The thing is, love doesn’t make a relationship but sex, depending on how it’s experienced, can either ‘make it or break it’….

On a more positive note, I’ve also learned that a great sexual connection in a great relationship can enhance and elevate it to a level which most love stories told and written, and romantic movies made, attempt to bring to life.

Hope you’re enjoying great S.E.X. but keeping it conscious and safe!

T


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