A Moment In Time Reflections

Note: Painting is original work of T.Nikic ©

Note: Painting is original work of T.Nikic ©

 

I suppose that sometimes the most obvious choice to make, is the hardest. You can’t exactly see it clearly until you’ve truly let go, and distanced your Self from it. Completely.

Real life stories of dealings with addiction gave birth to this poem.

One life. One love.

T

“You’ve got to learn to leave the table, when love’s no longer being served.”~Nina Simone

“When you come from trauma, survival seems like self-care.”~Afra Karen

*****

It was Sunday.

I awoke to find her looking at me.

I held her gaze for a long while before she spoke.

Her eyes spoke of love and sadness;

her voice, heavy with emotions.

*

She said:

“I realized this past July

that I met my best friend

and the love of my life

a few years back.

It wasn’t the right time for us then,

nor was it the right time for us now,

but every time I saw his face,

his smile,

met his eyes,

I simply knew that there was something there…

always…

there was something there that I could see

– a secret –

which I didn’t understand back then.

Anyway, this summer we got to hang out.

Just him and I.

Quality one-on-one time.

And we talked.

Our hearts danced.

Together.

We loved.

We sang.

Shared stories.

Shed tears with each other.

Made love in the form of art.

Or is art created only by making love?

I guess that piece shall remain a mystery to me.

I knew from the beginning that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

He just wasn’t ready for me then…

I doubt he’s ready for me now.

I’ve cried so many times

listening to his stories,

feeling his pain,

observing his attempt

at the escape

of what he felt.

Distancing myself was hard in the beginning.

I knew that he was draining me

but I couldn’t make sense of walking away completely.

I didn’t want to.

He didn’t want me to.

Truth is I missed him every day.

I shed thousands of tears since our last embrace.

But it’s not the fact that we’re not together

that makes me sad.

It’s the fact that I’ve lost my best friend,

to a drug.

Tho, looking back now,

he wasn’t such a great friend at times.

Addiction truly is hard….and selfish.

In my heart, there is sincere hope that he will get better,

an infinite belief because I know that

if he wants to he can.

I used to wish that I could talk to him,

hear his voice every day,

sometimes I still feel that way,

but his voice of addiction is always so loud.

So I remain,

with the knowledge that I won’t ever again BE,

simply be,

with this incredible man

because his path of choice included addiction

in whose presence I could not remain.”

*

I felt her heart,

watched her cry as she shared her truth with me.

I turned away for a moment,

just to gather my thoughts,

to be able to comfort her,

even share a few words.

But when I looked back,

I met my own eyes in the mirror,

filled with tears.

*

Only the knowledge that I saved ME, comforted me.

*

I LOVED.

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About arainbowintheclouds

Namaste and thank you for visiting my page! | I am a human being committed to living in alignment with my soul and true self. New lessons are welcome and change is embraced in my world. | I obtained two degrees back-to-back and though I had written poetry and stories when I was younger, that part of my creativity ceased during my studies. I decided to share in this format when I began the rediscovery of the artist in me. May my lessons serve you. | Feel free to leave a comment, send me a message or connect on Twitter or Instagram @tamaranikic. T | ALL posts © Copyright of Tamara Nikic as dated. View all posts by arainbowintheclouds

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