February 16th, 2013 was one of the best days I’ve had personally, in maybe all of my adult life.
If you follow or read my blog at all, you may have read the poem I posted last, titled Frozen Heart. And as the title suggests, my heart was frozen. Well I actually not only froze it with the help of past hurts and disappointments, but I also buried it and hid it behind some super high walls. And on top of all that, not only were these walls high, but they were solid, very thick and backed up against one another like vertical layers. Simply not penetrable. It’s a sad existence of one’s heart, I admit, but I actually didn’t realize I had done all this! I mean I knew that I was guarded and all but I did not know the conditions in which I left my heart. *insert a few spoonfuls of Self forgiveness here*
Now my close friends know that I’ve been through a lot of personal growth and I’ve done A LOT of Self work in the last three and a half years. Trust me when I say, I’ve come a loooooong way! As we go through life, people will pass through, some will stay a little while and some will stay for a lifetime and this is true for me as well. The thing I’ve really focused on a lot in the last few years was my internal reaction to people who I have interacted with personally. I would be lying to say that I always followed my internal reactions to others – because let’s face it sometimes we think we know better than our instinct – but nevertheless it was there. In my opinion, it is important to isolate how another person makes us feel because it adds to the weight of our decisions that have to do with that person, but holding on to feelings/internal reactions that one person made you feel (be it negative or positive) and extrapolating it to another is bad. It is actually really bad to do that because we use our egos and not our head, for one; and two, we extrapolate our experiences with one individual to another but the two have no connection or similarity except for the capacity in which we’ve allowed them to be in our life. Which is why Self work is important – it helps us identify unhealthy behaviours which impact our relationships with others and with our own Self. So basically to make a long-story short, I did this. I know! I know! It’s not right and it’s ego based, it’s totally childish and not mindful at all, but I think when we get hurt really badly in a relationship, even once, it becomes almost a self-defence practice we do but it’s not conscious or deliberate. In my case I didn’t even know I did it until someone came along and ACTUALLY pointed it out to me. Okay, so maybe in my case it was a group effort…of different ways…at different times…but I finally got it, and that’s important! *insert extreme gratitude here*
Needless to say, when I finally understood the magnitude of my issue along with the issue itself, I got in a serious funk. I didn’t want to have a frozen heart – I knew it was damaged a little but it was a GOOD heart. Yes my heart experienced hurt in the past but it also experienced love and projected a lot of warmth towards others. And I came to a point in my life where I did NOT want to cast heavy shadows on my heart by walls built by past hurts, lies and disappointments which carried fears, insecurities and old ‘negative’ feelings. I just wanted more for my heart and for me. *insert start of ego death here*
So, back to February 16th, 2013… The last month was challenging for me because my walls had finally come down, the rubble was cleared and my heart started ‘thawing out’. (I must say, I have a couple of science degrees and as I read this I think that this is a great place for me to state that my actual, physical heart is at a normal basal body temperature and has been doing a great job at pumping blood through my body for the last thirty one years. I’ve taken very good care of it and continue to do so. Ok back to my other ‘heart’ now…) At first, I HATED the feelings that started to surface from the ‘thawing out’. I couldn’t believe that after doing ALL this Self work over these years, I had fears and insecurities that were completely irrational in the context of where I am in my life and the people who are in my life. I shed many tears, I had many serious conversations with my Self, I simply felt like all the personal growth I’ve gained was in vain…until that morning. The morning of the 16th I woke up and felt a warmth, a calmness, serenity and beauty within. And yes I cried again but these were tears of joy. I felt like I reached my bedrock of truth. It was the most beautiful feeling I’ve felt and I felt beautiful. I laid in my bed, staring up at the ceiling as I smiled inside and out and as I laid there I felt my heart. *insert a lotta Self love here*
I decided that I wanted to go to a hot yoga class in the afternoon. I went there knowing that it was going to be a completely different practice from the last three years I’ve practiced Bikram hot yoga. I positioned my mat and towel in the front row, directly in front of the mirrors. As with every class, you’re supposed to use the mirrors to help you get into your postures, which I did but I focused my gaze on looking directly into my own eyes. And I saw a woman I love, respect, admire, and LIKE! Looking into my own reflection, I felt like I FINALLY saw ME. It was powerful. Liberating. Humbling. Beautiful. It was during that yoga class that I realized I got my heart back. Sure it had some dents and small holes, there were few bits missing but it was warm, beautiful and it worked! It was all worth it. EVERYTHING. *insert reaffirmation of Self strength and Self Love here*
To some, this may have been waaay too much information, but I shared all this to let you know that if I was able to, I KNOW that you can do it too. If your heart is hidden behind some thick walls and a little cold, go get it back. Give it a chance to love again. You owe that to yourself. Trust me when I tell you this – you are are so much more beautiful than you know.