Monthly Archives: August 2012

Best Friends

Life is short. Live it. 

T

***

I’m on Michigan Av

Sitting on the steps

which lead to

The Chicago Art Institute.

There is a lovely

young lady playing her violin

and with each string

that she strokes with her bow,

I feel as if she’s revealing

my heart’s hymn.

Her music speaks of  truths

and broken hearts,

happy times and lovers’ quarrels,

summer warmth and the cold wind…

As the wind plays with my hair

and the sun kisses my skin

my thoughts lead to a tale

I once heard

about this boy and a girl.

They knew each other since her birth,

Best friends from the beginning,

chosen by one another for life.

He attended her wedding

and she danced at his.

They saw each other through

the heartaches prior to then,

all the difficulties of their marriages.

Even their kids grew up to be

best friends,

played together on the street,

sat side by side in grades two and three.

And when she got sick,

he went to her and stayed by her side,

despite the raised eyebrows

of her husband and his wife.

One day, close to her end,

he was sitting beside her,

and holding her hand,

she opened her eyes and asked

“Why do you remain here, by my side?”

He raised her hand to his lips,

as a tear rolled down his cheek.

She waited for him to speak.

When he gathered enough courage to talk,

he raised his eyes to meet her puzzled gaze and said

“I’ve loved you my entire life.

You are my best friend.

Here you lie, fighting for your life,

as I sit helpless with one huge regret.”

He paused there

while she caught her breath and his tears fell.

He spoke again,

much softer this time and said

“My whole life,

I longed for you to be mine.

I was too scared to tell you how I feel,

and now that you’re here I think of

how different both of our lives may have been

if I had just told you that

from the very beginning.”

She too was crying now

trying hard to catch her breath

for the words he just spoke

touched her to her core.

They sat in silence for a while,

looking into each other’s eyes.

When she finally spoke,

her voice was clear.

“I too have also loved you from the very beginning.

My whole life I longed to be with you

but I too was scared

to speak my truth.

My time is running out

and we can’t go back to change anything

so instead of regretting the time we didn’t spend,

Let’s enjoy our right now.

When I leave this place and our kids are of age,

I want you to sit them down and tell them this story

so that they don’t repeat our mistakes.”

He nodded his head

for he couldn’t speak.

He couldn’t believe that he spoke his truth

at the age of forty-three.

Almost half of his life passed in fear and now

it’s too late

because his best friend is leaving.

As they stayed in her final moments,

before she closed her eyes,

he whispered

“I love you”

in her ear

over a thousand times.

And as her breathing got shallower

his voice became louder.

She opened her eyes

one last time,

said “I love you”

and let out

her final sigh.


Bye Bye

I am sad for you.

You’ve entered a lonely space.

It seems apparent to me now,

that you are not a person of your word…

the words which left your mouth

when we used to talk were really empty…

no real meaning except

to fill the silence which

you didn’t know how to live with.

I don’t know how someone can be so cold,

to pass by someone

who shared their time with you,

let you into their life,

their space,

and you pass right by them and say nothing?

Like none of that ever existed?

The only logical explanation

is that you really never cared at all.

You just filled up the silence

with words you never meant.

But now the silence is loud…

because the person who let you in,

has said a silent Good Bye.

You have hurt them,

more than they’ll ever let you know,

but it will always show

for, unlike you, they had feelings

and cared for real.

I hope you find peace in this place

within which you’ve isolated yourself.

It’s ironic that this poem exists

for you never wanted to become

a topic or a reason

for me to write this.

It must be hard looking in the mirror every day

knowing you lied…

except I doubt you’ve spent much time

with the person who looks back at you

with those sad, lonely eyes.

You hide it well behind that beautiful smile,

but I wonder how long you’ll keep doing that?

Staying busy –

Never dealing with any of it?

I see you’re just breathing right now.

***inspired by Nas – Bye Baby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtOOPt98iPc


An Apology Letter To The Men I’ve Dated…

I wanted to write an apology letter to the men I’ve dated in the last three years… Confused as to why? Yeah…please allow me to explain.

 

August 15th, 2012 is my 3rd Me, Myself and I anniversary. It’s been three years since I left my last relationship. Three years. I’ve worked HARD to get to a place of where I am at peace with myself, where I feel good about who I am and most importantly where I love myself more than I could ever love anyone else. I guess you could say that I’ve experienced GROWTH – emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Only I know the demons I’ve fought and faced, the battles I’ve fought within, how much work I’ve put into ME. Don’t get me wrong now – I have the most amazing friends and their support has meant the world to me and it still does. But at the end of the day, it’s always just me, myself and I. That’s who I face in the mirror every day. That’s who I have the deepest conversations with. That’s who has wiped my tears away. Me, myself and I, we’ve been through A LOT and the thing is as funny as it is to create three names for yourself, making it sound as if you’ve got three different people in one body, I’ll be really honest – I’ve explored so many different sides and aspects of me that there are way more! I suppose I can say that I became aware of different sides of me because of the challenges I took on in dealing with my past. So I guess it’s time I tell you about that, huh?

Truth is, I don’t really want to tell you my story in its entirety. I don’t want to get into the details of my last ‘relationship’ because I don’t want to drag anyone through mud – those who’ve done wrong do that so well all by themselves. I don’t need to be the one to tell you the embarrassing details of a situation which almost killed my spirit. What I will tell you is this: I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t know how to be in a relationship. My spirit was down as a result of the amount of abuse it took. A lot of pride was swallowed. A lot of forgiving was done until one day something in me just snapped and I got out. I left and NEVER looked back. Each August 15th since I’ve left, I’ve celebrated that day. I think I’ll celebrate it even if I get into a relationship one day.

If you’re still reading this, you’re probably wondering where I’m going with all of this, right? Apology letter to the men I’ve dated in the last three years…um where is that? Whew…okay, you ready? Here we go!

I am sorry that as a result of my last relationship, I’ve named all men “Dick Heads”. I am sorry that I’ve categorized you all into the group MEN ARE ALL THE SAME. I am sorry that I’ve treated you as good-for-me-only-when-I-need-you and not for when you need me. I am sorry that I’ve treated you and saw you as disposable. I am sorry that I hated you a lot. I am sorry that I gave you the impression that you got to me when you really didn’t (only two did in fact in all of last three years and I’ve had to let go of each of those situations, at different times, for different reasons). I know you thought you had me but you really never did. We had fun but I didn’t take anything from you because I really didn’t need anything from you. I am sorry I couldn’t make you feel needed. I am sorry I paraded my Independent Woman Ego Shield around when you asked me to allow you to just be there. I am sorry I couldn’t let you be there. I understand now that you only treated me the way that I treated you – as disposable and not needed. I forgive myself for that and I forgive you too. I want you to know that you played a role in me getting to where I am and I am grateful for that …but please don’t expect a medal of honour for it – mistakes were made on both sides. I take full responsibility for my participation in everything that went wrong. I don’t need an apology from you though but I hope you reflected on some of that stuff and are treating whomever you’re with now better. I promise that I will treat the next guy who comes along and actually decides to stay MUCH BETTER! I promise that I won’t name him “Dick Head”. I promise I will allow him to show me that he doesn’t belong in the group MEN ARE ALL THE SAME. I promise to do my best to not make him feel disposable. Truth is, I don’t need anyone. But I want HIM. I may not be 100% ready for him but one day, I’d like to lay down next to my best friend and have a great night’s sleep. But there are some things that you need to be made aware of…brace yourself!

Please stop talking s*it. Don’t try to chat up WOMEN just to get into our pants. We know that you’re great at it but if that’s all you’re looking for, please just be honest and real about it. In fact whatever it is that you want, or have a problem with, or are unsure about – COMMUNICATE IT!!! NO, don’t do it through a text message as we are no longer in high school. NO, don’t just leave it and expect the woman to ‘just know’ – contrary to popular belief, we don’t carry a crystal ball around with us. If you’re emotionally shut down or unavailable, please just stay away from all women until you have your s*it together. The only thing you’re gonna do if you’re not really feeling is hurt other people (been there, done that). Continue to be a gentleman – we appreciate it more than you know. Know that quality will always trump quantity – spend time with us with your phone out of sight. If you’re not feeling it just say it. And if you love, don’t be afraid to show it.

 

To be honest, men and women both go through situations and relationships which break us down in some way, shape or form but we have to work hard and get past it. Otherwise we never grow and experience something better. We all have to take responsibility for our individual lives and for who we are. And you know what? If you don’t like it, CHANGE IT. The time is NOW.

One love,

T

 


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