Monthly Archives: October 2011

Interpretations…

Taj Mahal

Taj Mahal

I read something interesting today. It was a statement which said “Don’t be a woman who needs a man… Be a woman a man needs!” and a comment was made by a man who said something along the lines that he hopes women interpret it how it was actually intended. So you know I started thinking about it, right?

I know MANY independent women. I’m talking about women who have well-paying jobs, their own place, their own cars, their own lives and are able to provide for themselves….well, everything without the need of a man to do so. This sort of breaks down the traditional roles of men and women which have been established throughout civilization as the ‘norm’ – men being the providers and women being the home makers. Many of those independent women will be told that men find them intimidating because of their financial independence and that is why they’ve not had any luck in ‘finding’ one. I suppose that may be true in some cases but it’s not the woman’s financial independence that intimidates a man in my opinion. I think it’s the woman herself who actually pushes a man away with her approach or her reaction to him. Just like anything else, it’s in how something is said and not what is said, that allows for a healthy, positive conversation (and relationship) to occur. For example, in situations where the man is out of a well-paying or stable job or is not working at all in some cases (which is not where he wants to be in the first place!), the way that a woman reacts to him can either motivate him to put forth more effort in finding one or will motivate him to leave. “You’re a grown ass man doing a boy’s job!” vs “I know you’re not doing the job that you love but I appreciate the fact that you’re working and doing your best.”…..which one do you think will motivate him to do more???  Another thing is when a man does get a ‘real’ job, there is a proper way to react and it’s not “Finally you have a grown up job!”….

HOWEVER, in my opinion, the initial statement has nothing to do with women being financially independent but mindful. (I am including my own mistakes and lessons in this so don’t think I have it all figured out…) And I am only going to say this once: A REAL man not only has no intention of every relying on his woman for financial stability, he is actually proud of her for being independent. So with that, here it goes…this is my interpretation and I welcome yours!

I think that a real man needs a woman who gives him moral support without stomping on his dreams, doings or his current job/financial status. A woman who is secure in herself and in their relationship so much so that there is freedom for each to be who they are and still have a beautiful togetherness. A woman who lets him be a man and who will allow him to tell her when he needs her help for anything (that does in fact mean that he carries groceries and heavy items!). A woman who is not afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself but more importantly is one who upholds her standards of how she wants to be treated.

A man needs a woman who will allow him to be there for her, listen to her truth and comfort her when she is in pain. A woman who recognizes that a real man will show how he feels about her through his actions, not words. A woman who accepts him for who he is because that is exactly what he will do for her. A woman who doesn’t allow her past to dictate her present or future, no matter how painful and difficult it was.

A man needs a woman who will give him space when he needs to be alone and focus on what he is working to achieve at the time. A woman who is secure enough to, in fact, give each of them space and time to be alone. A woman who loves herself more than anyone could ever love her, knowing full well that he will always ‘big her up’ as he will want that to forever be true (because he knows that it’s only those who love themselves, who are able to love others). A woman who no matter what is going on will know that he loves and cares for her enough to respect, understand and support her need to be free to do whatever she needs to do for herself, to be happy and content.

A man needs a woman who trusts not just his words or actions but his heart.

And most importantly, a real man needs a woman who recognizes him as that and respects him…because he will always respect her.

T


Window Seat…

A moment of reflection, St Mark's Basilica, Venice

I’ve been thinking about reflection and how valuable of a practice it is for inner peace. Some may say that I am writing about something obvious but there is a depth there which often goes unacknowledged, in my opinion.

I, just like many who live in large North American cities, lead a busy life. Of course this is by choice but the fact remains – we stay busy. In the midst of that chaos (because at times it really can feel chaotic) we somehow ‘have to deal’ with whatever is going on in our lives, with whatever has happened that’s not been dealt with, and with whatever else comes up. Often, I have found that I do the minimum not because I don’t want to deal with an issue or a situation (although sometimes that IS true) but simply because of lack of time I make for self.

Recently, me, myself and I traveled abroad for four weeks and got to spend much-needed quality time. I wasn’t even aware that I had that actual need to spend time with myself, until I was there and all the things that have happened in my life in the last few years finally surfaced…but you could say, I finally allowed them to. They were all pretty major things – passing of my grandfather who was one of the biggest loves of my life; getting out of an unhealthy relationship which left scars and damage that I realized during my alone time I had buried deep and hadn’t allowed myself to feel; coming into my own as a woman and an adult which is complex on its own; and dealing with all the matters of the heart which I tried to run from or ignore….

I’m not interested in writing about personal details of people, situations or moments which happened on my trip or in my life because it is not necessary. If you are going through or have gone through something which you’ve not been able to, or have not allowed yourself to deal with and feel, then you already understand my words and all of what I’m trying to say.

The thing which has become obvious to me however, is that all those things I ‘have to deal’ with but don’t make time for, eventually DO need to be dealt with, reflected on, digested, discussed, released…for me to keep going and most importantly to be able to grow and to be able to feel. I am not talking about every day stuff we have to do but big things like relationships, death of someone close to us, love, etc. All that ‘stuff’ requires and deserves time with self. YOU deserve time with YOURSELF.

Sometimes it is just a feeling  – you know you must spend time to reflect and to feel in order to move forward. And it doesn’t even have to be that you are unhappy about anything in your life or about yourself. It’s really just about you taking the time to reflect and I mean REALLY reflect on whatever it is that your soul and your heart are telling you is important.

I’ve come to appreciate my own ‘stripping’ of outer layers and being emotionally and spiritually ‘naked’ with myself. It is a scary thing, I won’t lie but what scared me more after-the-fact is that I had not allowed myself to feel up to that point. The inability of feeling had crippled me emotionally, spiritually and somewhat mentally without me even realizing it. It’s strange because before I left for my trip I felt great about everything in my life – I was happy and content. After I faced my fears and allowed myself to feel, by reflecting on things that I thought I had ‘dealt with’, I realized how much growing I still had to do as a person. More importantly I realized that I can be my own best friend or worst enemy depending on the amount of realness I serve myself and how much time I allow with myself.

To some of you reading this, you just read a bunch of gibberish. But to others who are dealing with ‘stuff’ and yet haven’t really dealt with anything, I hope you allow yourself time with yourself to reflect. My biggest wish for you after that time with self which I hope you find, is that you allow yourself to feel all of that which you need to. Know that we all have a story and that someone else has gone through what you’ve gone or may be going through – the details may be different but the feelings which you were left with are the same. It isn’t an easy road to travel on but it’s the most important one to follow….

Much love and peace,

T


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