Please note this blog entry is for the mature and grown.
I wanted to discuss sex in the context of the importance it plays in relationships but also draw on some of the differences in the experience of sex for men and women. I am a straight woman so I can only write about heterosexual sex, although I do think that some of this applies to gay and lesbian sex as well. Also, I am writing this with the knowledge that my mom reads my blog, and that once she reads this one, I will be receiving a phone call from her much sooner than I normally would in our weekly discussions of my writing… What I’m saying is: I think this discussion IS important.
It has been my observation that there is a certain stigma attached to the word sex in our society. Not in the display of sex, as we are bombarded with it visually in almost every source of media, entertainment, fashion, internet and advertisement, but simply the word itself when it comes to its discussion in a public forum. Yes I understand that people talk about sex but seldom do people really talk about sex.
Let’s face it – sex is just as important to women as it is to men. Yes we view, interpret, experience and approach sex somewhat differently but that physical stimulation and connection with another person is very important to, and highly valued by, both sexes. From the many private yet interesting and informative conversations I’ve had with my male and female friends about the topic, there are some key misunderstandings/misinterpretations AND important commonalities I’ve identified.
S.E.X. is NOT just intercourse:
Perhaps our views of sex change with each generation, but I can definitely say with a great amount certainty that the most important part of sex, for most men but especially for women, is NOT intercourse. It really is everything which stimulates the body and the mind in a sexual and sensual way. Often, our upbringing directs how we should and do view sex, however I personally believe in using experience in our individual interpretations and allowing ourselves to explore…. And really how would anyone know what you do privately?
S.E.X. on the first date or shortly after establishing a connection:
According to many of my male friends, this usually tells them that the girl is ‘easy’ which some men interpret in a variety of ways, like: “She’ll ‘give it up’ anytime I want ‘it’.”, “I don’t have to do much to ‘get some’.”, “If she ‘gave it up’ so easy to me, she probably does with everyone.”, “Not the girl I’d date or be in a relationship with.”, “New ‘booty call’!”, “She doesn’t respect herself.”…..
According to my female friends (and my opinion is included in this) how soon a woman (notice no mention of “girl”!) engages in sex with a man (notice no mention of “boy”!) after meeting him has nothing do with ‘being easy’ and everything to do with an established connection. That means that most of the time, women go with what feels right to them and they’re not on a timeline of any sort. If a woman feels a connection with a guy on the first date and decides to go there with him, it is actually a sign of her knowing what she wants and likes. A woman (again notice no mention of “girl”) does NOT have sex with a man because of his social status, financial stability, the kind of car he drives, etc. It is all based on how they feel with that man (again notice no mention of “boy”) and if they are ‘into’ the connection established. (Gentle reminder that this is a discussion on sex, not relationships.) Hence self-respect, willingness of a woman to ‘give it up’, what the woman is looking to give or what she is looking for, play no role in her decision to (or when to) engage in sex with a man.
The experience of S.E.X.:
It is my understanding that the experience of sex for men is based mainly on physical and visual stimulation. Some may say that this is common knowledge but I’d like to leave some room for individuality. Even with that being said, I stand by the word “mainly” in the first sentence.
The experience of sex for women however is primarily emotional. I am not saying that women have sex only with men who they have some sort of an emotional attachment to, nor am I saying that physical and visual stimulation is not a big part of her experience of sex. What I am trying to point out however is that a satisfying and pleasurable sexual encounter, for a woman, lies in what she feels internally – about herself, how a man makes her feel, the connection they have formed, how they ‘vibe’ – just as much as what she feels physically. As a result, I’d like to highlight that sex is a huge investment for women simply because it goes far beyond the physical interaction.
The approach to S.E.X.:
Although this ties to the above discussion on the experience of sex, I do think it is worth discussing the approach to it as well.
Due to the differences in the experience of sex between men and women, during the process of initiation of sex, certain things may be more favored by one but not the other, hence there needs to be a balance between say romantic vs provocative approaches to sex. (Of course, this is all very individual and I am not trying to take away from that by using generalized or stereotypical statements as examples.)
On the other hand, through the discussions with my friends and personal experiences, I’ve learned that there are certain things that are greatly appreciated by men and women in their sexual partner’s approach to sex. I will only list them: passion, spontaneity, variety, newness, unexpected, fun, organic.
The importance of S.E.X. in a relationship:
I have a personal belief that as much as two people have to be ‘in tune’ on an intelectual, mindset, energy, lifestyle, common interest, religious views, emotional, and other connecting levels, they also have to be sexually ’in tune’ for a successful and long-lasting relationship. I’ve seen this work both ways – relationships which shouldn’t continue, do so as a result of two people being ‘in tune’ with each other sexually, and I’ve also seen relationships end, as a result of two people not being ‘in tune’ with each other sexually. The thing is, love doesn’t make a relationship but sex, depending on how it’s experienced, can either ‘make it or break it’….
On a more positive note, I’ve also learned that a great sexual connection in a great relationship can enhance and elevate it to a level which most love stories told and written, and romantic movies made, attempt to bring to life.
Hope you’re enjoying great S.E.X. but keeping it conscious and safe!