Category Archives: Love

May 20, 2013

NOT A Love Poem

By arainbowintheclouds

This poem is meant to reflect my thoughts on attachments we tend to make to others, relationships, love, which we have to be careful of because one thing that MUST remain is US staying true to OUR SELVES. ALWAYS BE REAL!

T

*****

 

This is not a love poem

I am just sharing my truth.

This is not a love poem

I am simply confused.

 

I lie awake,

In the early hours of this day,

Thinking of your smile,

Your face, your touch,

Your hands, and

All that I’ll say to you…

One day.

 

But until that day comes

I’ll just write it down now

For my thoughts are running

Wild but this is not a love poem.

 

You turn me into a walking

Happy AND laughing Smiley.

You make my insides smile.

And at the same time,

You give me such crazy butterflies that I get the runs!

What is that?!

 

I am not sure that

I can ask you to explain

This to me but these feelings lift me,

Though this is not a love poem.

 

Many a days

I wish that you were there,

When I close my eyes at night,

That we’re lying side-by-side

And in the morning

When I wake up

I wish that I was

Being held in your arms.

 

But these desires I’m yet

To express to you

Though the yearning ignites a feeling inside,

This is not a love poem

I’m just writing down my thoughts.

 

And I suppose that you should know –

I stay in something

Not because of the possibilities it promises

But because of the realities it shows

And often it strikes me that

With you, I wanted it all.

 

But this is not a love poem

I am just sharing my truth.

This is not a love poem

Though I am no longer confused….

Despite all the amazing qualities you displayed,

You failed your interview process

And your position was terminated.

*****

You can watch my performance of this poem and Ready Now here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGupe7OX3dM

Leave a comment | posted in Choice, Differences, Expectations, Following your dreams, friend, Love, Mindset, No limits, One life, Poetry, Standards

May 3, 2013

The Guitar Player

By arainbowintheclouds

It’s easy to become attached to feelings, a connection, the beauty of someone’s heart.

Just be mindful that there is more to it…and you deserve EVERYTHING.

T

*****

Like a bee to a flower

I was captivated by his colour

And no it wasn’t the colour of his skin

Which I actually didn’t see

But the colour of his soul

Which made me think that

There was something more to him

Than those guitar strings he pressed, stroked and flicked,

With those beautiful hands of his,

More to him than the songs he sang

Along with his three-man mariachi band

Maybe it was in his smile

Which he so willingly shared with me

Or in those beautiful black eyes

That looked at me like they saw more

Than just the green, their colour,

But all that I hid behind them

From those I didn’t want to see

The true depths of me…

When our eyes met,

I felt like our souls spoke to each other

And it didn’t matter that we didn’t speak

Each other’s mother tongues.

All that was important to each of us was understood

In those moments our eyes eagerly locked…

Except that I’d always look away because

His gaze caused my face

To become a different shade…

Brighter and much hotter than a stranger,

I thought,

Should ever induce

As a reaction to him.

He made me blush even when he wasn’t looking

I’d feel his presence in the room

Before my eyes took notice.

I’d feel his aura the same way

One sees a rainbow for the first time –

It makes the world stop for a moment

As you take in its wonder –

You simply felt lifted.

Every time he was near

My heart would skip a few beats

And my breathing was unnecessary

Because being around him

Sustained the life in ME.

I remember the unexpected wave

He sent in my direction,

So that his band-mates wouldn’t see,

He waited to enter the building last,

As I sat outside and sipped my tea,

He smiled from a distance and just

Waved at me.

Without even thinking

That he was waving at another lady,

I waved back,

And he smiled and waved just a little longer

Than he had to…

A little signal just to say

“Hey, I see you…I feel you…our souls

have been forever embraced.”

The following day,

He came over to our table and said:

“Good evening Beauty,

May I sing you a song tonight?”

With cheeks splashed with crimson

I politely declined,

But it’s as if he knew I would

He said to his comrades,

“A song for a beautiful lady!”

And he sang to me.

I felt my heart stop

And my cheeks flush

And my stomach host a band of butterflies

But I couldn’t turn around to look at him…

Because I knew I’d see what I didn’t want

To stare back at me –

His beautiful wedding ring.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Choice, Love, Mindset, Poetry, Standards

April 11, 2013

Do YOU fit into a box?

By arainbowintheclouds

 

I have come to realize that we often put people in a square or a category when we first meet them, just based on what they say and/or do. It’s kind of like deciding for the other person the capacity in which they are able to be in our life instead of actually giving someone a chance to show us who they are and what they’re about, what role they are able to, and are willing to, play in our life.

 

I’ll be the first to say that I’ve done this. I think it’s a defense mechanism but it actually is a very fear-driven thing to do. We’re always intrigued when we first meet someone by whatever it is about him or her that caught our attention in the first place, and drove us to wanting to get to know that person. But then we place stipulations on them on what they could be to us, via pre-conceived notions we’ve formulated based on what we’ve been shown and what we’ve seen growing up, and in our personal adult experiences… (BTW, I am referring to any type of relationship here – be it platonic, familial or non-platonic.)

 

I think that, as individuals, we are all somewhat scared to be vulnerable with others. Yes, it opens us up to the possibility of getting hurt, but it also creates the potential of developing nurturing and mindful relationships with others. Yet the walls we keep around our Selves not only impede that, but also deflect the gifts the other person comes bearing (be it friendship, an opportunity to create, love, etc.). And so we end up getting stuck in this never-ending cycle of amazing people knocking on our doors and us never fully allowing them the opportunity to show us all these gifts they come bearing. Often we are so focused on who they could potentially be to us, what we could get out of such a relationship, the reason why we’ve crossed paths, trying to figure out if they’re a reason, a season or a lifetime, etc. that it distracts us from the present moment but it also leads to one or all of the following:

 

1)   It puts people into a box with respect to the capacity they are able to be in our life.

2)   It puts pressure on the actual relationship to be something other than what it is.

3)   It creates a relationship with limited growth potential of either individual and of the relationship itself.

 

I do believe that a huge part of growing up is letting go – of viewing the world with the same set of eyes, of how we’ve imagined things should be, of ideas we’ve held onto since childhood about how things ‘should be’ – and actually focusing on what is. It is not necessary to have it all figured out when you meet someone. It is actually mindful to pay attention to that person – their habits, their needs…whatever it is that they choose to share with you – and create with them the type of relationship that is nurturing to both of you, whatever that means or entails.

 

Be open to more.

T

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Choice, Expectations, Family, friend, Love, Mindset, Standards

April 1, 2013

Ready now.

By arainbowintheclouds

Dedicated to Love…and loving hearts everywhere.

May you find the courage to love, starting with your Self, and more importantly, may you find the courage to let in the love of another who loves you courageously.

T

***

I think it was somewhere in your eyes

Which just happen to be my favorite color of a beautiful soul

That I saw truths of my own.

I realize that

This journey of life makes no sense to me

Unless we give…

But I don’t have much to give you right now

Except this heart I’ve managed to put back together

And it was just recently

That I found tape strong enough

To keep the broken pieces together

While it heals.

I know it’s not the best looking heart

But it works well, I swear!

It has much love to give…

To the one who won’t deliberately break it into all of those pieces again.

But who am I to tell you not to judge a book by its cover

When it is I who saw your heart

And decided that based on the tape

You’ve used to hold it together

Your heart wasn’t capable of loving or giving.

It is kind of ironic

That I thought that

Since what I actually saw, and I realize this now,

Is that your heart mirrors mine.

And it doesn’t matter how we’ve put our hearts back together

Until we each choose to put each of our hearts to use and love another

We won’t be able to heal completely

Because what loving another provides is that practice we need

To suture the pieces together mindfully.

And I cannot tell you whom to love

Or to even try

All I know is that my heart

Is ready to love a heart

That reflects mine.

Knowing that actually makes my heart smile.

Love, it is with joy in my soul

That I can honestly say

I am ready now.

I am in no rush,

So do take your time,

But when you’re ready,

I hope you accept the love

Of this imperfect heart of mine.

7 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in Following your dreams, Love, Poetry

March 13, 2013

Check!

By arainbowintheclouds

Sometimes I write myself notes in my phone which I end up re-reading a long time after they’ve left my brain. This was one of them. Now I want to make sure that I state this because it’s important: THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE. I wrote these lines in reflection of my experiences AND my friends’ experiences of non-platonic relationships. It’s almost a bit of an extension of my last post “‘Dysfunctional’. ‘Relationships’.” ( http://wp.me/p1AZhb-kZ )…written way before I wrote that last post. It DOES apply to both sexes (I know…personally.).

Anyway, I have come to realize that there are WAY TOO MANY broken hearts walking around, simply breathing, but the truth is, no one can fix a broken heart except its owner. This poem is meant to reflect that. We have to make some choices in our lives – about who we are, who we want to be, who we want to have in our life – and yes, in order to be able to move forward, those decisions are mandatory. But please, don’t get ‘stuck’ on only your feelings because they may lead you to ride emotional roller coasters…and those aren’t healthy for anyone. Yes, listen to your truth, AND look at the reality of the situation you were in too.

Most importantly, find the courage within to LOVE SOMEBODY! And even bigger than that, find the courage within to LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU!

Let’s all check ourselves.

T

**************

If I am not being me,

then you’d never really know me.

But all of who I am,

just seems to scare thee.

Well, I won’t change who I truly am,

so you go ahead and erase me from your memory.

That’s what you’re trying to do, right?

Yet you’re finding it hard, huh?

Some call it emotions,

others feelings,

others love jones…

whatever you call it,

when it catches up to you unexpectedly,

it can be quite overwhelming.

So you gonna stand tall, face and embrace ‘em?

Or you gonna stick to your original plan and run away?

Decide quickly ‘cuz either you’re walking with me

or you need to move and get out of my way.

I can’t stand in this spot I am standing in.

It’s not my place.

Embrace me or give me my space.

Check!

Leave a comment | posted in Choice, friend, Love, One life, Poetry, Standards

March 10, 2013

‘Dysfunctional’. ‘Relationships’.

By arainbowintheclouds

Two people meet. They are attracted to each other. They share their stories with each other. They discover they’ve both been through heartbreak (Surprise! *sarcasm*). They find comfort in their understanding of each other’s stories. They spend time together. “Fall in love”. But their relationship somehow isn’t working. SOMETHING is ‘missing’. The two people break up for reasons not completely understood and for actions that cannot be forgiven. Does that sound like a story you’ve heard or lived through a few times yourself?

So one of these two people decides that after this break-up, they’re going to not date for a while, spend some time alone and actually get to know their Self. And what this person finds is that the reason that the last relationship didn’t work out was because they didn’t deal with the baggage of past relationships that they’ve brought to that relationship. In fact, the baggage was so vast and deep that its roots laid in their childhood, their insecurities and fears were nurtured in so many of their non-platonic and platonic relationships with others, and in fact that’s why they couldn’t BE with anyone completely, fully up until that point of their life. They go ahead and sort through all of those feelings, discover their roots, break them down, start looking at their past and the world with an adult set of eyes and then start thinking about their last relationship. Of course, since the energy of the universe moves in the direction of truth, there is contact with the ex. After a short conversation, the person who has done their Self work, realizes that their ex hasn’t. And then they’re left with a choice – to go back to something that didn’t work out before (and which will for sure not work out again) or let go and move forward – it’s the ULTIMATE test from the universe in terms of finding out if a person has learned their lesson.

What do you think is the right choice to make? And please, leave feelings out of it. Just be real and true to your values. Where should this person who has done all this Self work now go? Would it be wise for them to go back to a situation where there was no real growth evident on the other person’s end?

It makes me sad when I see a person stuck in his or her own hurtful cycle in terms of relationships. It’s like people knowingly get into being with those who are: not only emotionally unavailable, but who are also a little lost, carrying around a lot of baggage from their past and are absolutely not nurturing to those they are close to. (Note: I am not judging any of this. I have been through it which is how I know about it.)

The thing is, no one can make anyone grow up. It is a CHOICE. Working through one’s past and issues IS a choice. Self work is extremely important but one must deem it necessary in order to get to where they want to go in order to view it as such. It’s important to remember that you are not a halfway house for broken hearts. People have to come either whole, having already dealt with their baggage, or are in the process of doing their own Self work.

We have to stay true to ourselves. We must stand in our own integrity. We know right from wrong so we must do right. But we also have to remember that we are an example to those around us of how to treat us right.

Nurture those traits, behaviors etc. that are important to YOU, that lift YOU. Stand up to traits, behaviors etc. that hurt you or aren’t nurturing to you. If you don’t demand the best, you won’t get the best. And remember, whatever you bring out in others, what you give to others, is a reflection of you, of your desires and needs. So as much you need to ensure that your needs are being met by another, also pay attention to what the other person’s needs and desires are because, although you may be able to fulfill each others’, you may speak two different love languages.

Having been hurt by one person is never a justification for hurting another. Do not allow your ego, your fears and insecurities, and most importantly do not allow the wounds from your past, to turn you into someone you are not. Yes, it sucks that you were hurt. No, it wasn’t fair. But LEARN from it. Don’t let it define you as a person. You ARE above that. Choose who you want to be. Choose how you want to live your life. Choose how you want your life to look like. Then, after you’ve acted on all of those decisions, and after you’ve done your Self work, THEN be open to being in a healthy, mindful, nurturing and loving relationship with another person. Because, the truth is, people can only go with you as far as you go. The deeper you know your Self, the deeper your bonds with others…if allowed.

Much love,

T

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Choice, Exploring, Following your dreams, Love, Mindset, One life, Standards

February 24, 2013

WONDERING…

By arainbowintheclouds

I wrote this poem about three years ago.

I often surprise myself when I re-read some of my older work…the insight that it holds…the honesty…the truth…the reflections I wrote down which I didn’t understand at the time I wrote it.

I think there are some who will relate although now I am in a different heart space.

Much love,

T

***

I look in the mirror, I look deep.

I’m trying to find that woman who I know lives inside of me.

 *

She’s been through a lot.

She’s seen a lot.

She’s loved deep.

She’s been hurt deeper.

She wants to love again, but she’s not sure how.

She’s scared.

*

The woman who I want to be, lies deep inside of me.

The woman who I want to be, wants to live again.

*

She wants to give again.

She wants to love again.

She wants to be loved.

She wants a man who’ll meet her all the way, who’ll care.

But she’s scared.

 *

The woman who lies deep inside of me isn’t lonely, but she’s alone.

The woman who lies deep inside of me is strong.

 *

She will be someone’s rock.

But she’ll allow that someone to be her rock too.

She will have someone’s back no matter what.

But she’ll need that someone to be there no matter what.

She’s not found that someone so she’s still scared.

 *

That woman who lies deep inside of me wonders if she’ll stay there forever…

…or if a man will come along and show her that it’s safe to come out and be.

I guess she’s still waiting….

We’ll just have to wait and see….

Leave a comment   |  tags: | posted in Love, Poetry, Strength of women, Women

February 17, 2013

Heart Back!!!

By arainbowintheclouds

February 16th, 2013 was one of the best days I’ve had personally, in maybe all of my adult life.

If you follow or read my blog at all, you may have read the poem I posted last, titled Frozen Heart. And as the title suggests, my heart was frozen. Well I actually not only froze it with the help of past hurts and disappointments, but I also buried it and hid it behind some super high walls. And on top of all that, not only were these walls high, but they were solid, very thick and backed up against one another like vertical layers. Simply not penetrable. It’s a sad existence of one’s heart, I admit, but I actually didn’t realize I had done all this! I mean I knew that I was guarded and all but I did not know the conditions in which I left my heart. *insert a few spoonfuls of Self forgiveness here*

Now my close friends know that I’ve been through a lot of personal growth and I’ve done A LOT of Self work in the last three and a half years. Trust me when I say, I’ve come a loooooong way! As we go through life, people will pass through, some will stay a little while and some will stay for a lifetime and this is true for me as well. The thing I’ve really focused on a lot in the last few years was my internal reaction to people who I have interacted with personally. I would be lying to say that I always followed my internal reactions to others – because let’s face it sometimes we think we know better than our instinct – but nevertheless it was there. In my opinion, it is important to isolate how another person makes us feel because it adds to the weight of our decisions that have to do with that person, but holding on to feelings/internal reactions that one person made you feel (be it negative or positive) and extrapolating it to another is bad. It is actually really bad to do that because we use our egos and not our head, for one; and two, we extrapolate our experiences with one individual to another but the two have no connection or similarity except for the capacity in which we’ve allowed them to be in our life. Which is why Self work is important – it helps us identify unhealthy behaviours which impact our relationships with others and with our own Self. So basically to make a long-story short, I did this. I know! I know! It’s not right and it’s ego based, it’s totally childish and not mindful at all, but I think when we get hurt really badly in a relationship, even once, it becomes almost a self-defence practice we do but it’s not conscious or deliberate. In my case I didn’t even know I did it until someone came along and ACTUALLY pointed it out to me. Okay, so maybe in my case it was a group effort…of different ways…at different times…but I finally got it, and that’s important! *insert extreme gratitude here*

Needless to say, when I finally understood the magnitude of my issue along with the issue itself, I got in a serious funk. I didn’t want to have a frozen heart – I knew it was damaged a little but it was a GOOD heart. Yes my heart experienced hurt in the past but it also experienced love and projected a lot of warmth towards others. And I came to a point in my life where I did NOT want to cast heavy shadows on my heart by walls built by past hurts, lies and disappointments which carried fears, insecurities and old ‘negative’ feelings. I just wanted more for my heart and for me. *insert start of ego death here*

So, back to February 16th, 2013… The last month was challenging for me because my walls had finally come down, the rubble was cleared and my heart started ‘thawing out’. (I must say, I have a couple of science degrees and as I read this I think that this is a great place for me to state that my actual, physical heart is at a normal basal body temperature and has been doing a great job at pumping blood through my body for the last thirty one years. I’ve taken very good care of it and continue to do so. Ok back to my other ‘heart’ now…) At first, I HATED the feelings that started to surface from the ‘thawing out’. I couldn’t believe that after doing ALL this Self work over these years, I had fears and insecurities that were completely irrational in the context of where I am in my life and the people who are in my life. I shed many tears, I had many serious conversations with my Self, I simply felt like all the personal growth I’ve gained was in vain…until that morning. The morning of the 16th I woke up and felt a warmth, a calmness, serenity and beauty within. And yes I cried again but these were tears of joy. I felt like I reached my bedrock of truth. It was the most beautiful feeling I’ve felt and I felt beautiful. I laid in my bed, staring up at the ceiling as I smiled inside and out and as I laid there I felt my heart. *insert a lotta Self love here*

I decided that I wanted to go to a hot yoga class in the afternoon. I went there knowing that it was going to be a completely different practice from the last three years I’ve practiced Bikram hot yoga. I positioned my mat and towel in the front row, directly in front of the mirrors. As with every class, you’re supposed to use the mirrors to help you get into your postures, which I did but I focused my gaze on looking directly into my own eyes. And I saw a woman I love, respect, admire, and LIKE! Looking into my own reflection, I felt like I FINALLY saw ME. It was powerful. Liberating. Humbling. Beautiful. It was during that yoga class that I realized I got my heart back. Sure it had some dents and small holes, there were few bits missing but it was warm, beautiful and it worked! It was all worth it. EVERYTHING. *insert reaffirmation of Self strength and Self Love here*

To some, this may have been waaay too much information, but  I shared all this to let you know that if I was able to, I KNOW that you can do it too. If your heart is hidden behind some thick walls and a little cold, go get it back. Give it a chance to love again. You owe that to yourself. Trust me when I tell you this – you are are so much more beautiful than you know.

Much Love,

T

5 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Choice, Great Day, Love, One life, Smile, Strength of women, Uncategorized

February 4, 2013

Frozen Heart

By arainbowintheclouds

It felt like

In the blink of an eye,

Everything came to a halt.

All of my hard Self work,

All the dreams I’ve been working towards,

All the friendships I’ve built,

All the love I had felt and had started to feel,

ALL of that was staring back at me

With eyes I didn’t recognize.

Those eyes…

They were filled with fears,

And insecurities

I didn’t even know existed

Within me.

I stared back in the mirror

And kept asking my Self reflection

“Who are you?

What happened to you?”

At first,

My ego replied.

It talked about my past

And used examples of previous pains

To justify running away from everything

All over again.

My ego, as always,

Is very convincing.

It lifts me to a place where no one can hurt me

Simply because it helps me build a wall

Around my heart and my Self

And just leaves me there.

Alone.

To not feel any pain…

But I’ve gone there before and I realized

That’s not a very happy place.

I have stood behind those tall brick walls

For many years.

Yea it was after a bad relationship

But I hadn’t left them.

I mean I did peep outside a few times

And a few times I stepped out

Only to be met by arms who couldn’t hold me

Arms who didn’t know how to deal with

A heart who had once stopped feeling.

Imagine that feeling you get

When you meet someone who

Helps you break down your walls

And is there to help clear the rubble,

But then you hear them say these words:

“Your heart is cold.”

It strikes you like the biggest lightning bolt

Ever recorded

And you think

“Well now I have two choices:

I can go withdraw and rebuild those walls,

Stay there, feel no pain but stay cold,

Or I could let my heart thaw in the sun,

And not feel the cold anymore.”

If anyone has experienced

A case of ungloved hands

In the cold January wind

You’ll remember how you felt little needle pricks,

When you stepped into the warmth of your house,

As your blood started to flow again

And as your hands warmed up

You KNEW that they will feel better

Once they thawed

But you also knew that it will hurt a little

While they did that.

Well that’s how thawing of a frozen heart feels.

It hurts while it’s doing that

But it also thaws out feelings.

Feelings that have been suppressed for a long time.

Feelings you weren’t even aware you’ve held on to.

Feelings you wish you didn’t have to face.

And it’s at that moment,

When those thawed feelings

Are staring back at you

That EVERYTHING stops.

It’s like a stand-off

Except there aren’t any real guns, thank ‘god’.

It’s actually even bigger than that

Because the battle is not outside of you

With an opponent you could size up

And build a strategy

On how to take them down.

It’s all inside of you

And you have no clue

Where the battle is going to lead you,

What it will unravel,

What will be thrown at you.

All you know is that

You have to be strong

And face those demons inside,

Especially since you were

Doing ‘just fine’

Before they crawled out

Of your,

Previously frozen,

Heart.

 

 

You can watch my performance of this poem here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_Zg-SuQBPQ

2 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Exploring, Love, No limits, One life, Poetry, Strength of women, Uncategorized

December 13, 2012

Love’s Truths

By arainbowintheclouds

I dedicate this to the man who elevated me as a woman and inspired me to strive for more. I am so grateful to you for that and for the time we spent together.

Love, T

******

I can’t change how I feel about you

Nor will I try

You’ll always be a part of me

Forever in my heart

 *

I’ll carry you with me

Everywhere I go

Not because I’ll try or want to do so

That’s just how it goes.

*

When you love someone,

You love them always and forever.

No one can take

Your place in my heart.

*

I loved you before we met

I loved you when we were close

I loved you when you were far

I still love you, even now.

*

But your place in my heart

Although it will never be erased

Will get displaced

As that is the way it goes.

*

Some come into our lives

And stay there for a moment.

You came into my heart

And you’ll stay there forever.

6 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in Love, Poetry

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