Category Archives: Love

Soul Dance

Photo © T. Nikic

Photo © T. Nikic 

*This is a true story.*

In an ‘authentic’ Thai restaurant

On Bloor street,

One day, my friend and I

were eating.

We were sharing stories

about love and relationships,

and our current hardships with/in IT.

It was then that I first heard:

“Your souls danced together!”

spoken back to me

in response to the situation I had been describing.

And it made me think about LOVE, differently.

I recalled my past experiences

and how devastated or sad I was

when some of them ended;

and I realized that it was due to the fact that

I had associated that person

OR that relationship

with a hope, or a dream,

or a future which

I had only imagined for my Self,

while not really present in each moment of that relationship,

nor truly in tune with the person whom I was in IT with.

And then I had met HIM.

I knew he was the love of my life

about three weeks in…

of course that was also about the same time

I realized that WE were not going to BE in IT -

a relationship.

In any case,

I do not wish to glorify

the tragedies which seem to follow

MY “love” LIFE

but to tell you about my

SOUL EXPERIENCE,

with the love of my life.

It happened in steps,

gradually,

but all of a sudden and all-encompassing, it seems.

We spoke for hours at a time,

always looking into each others’ eyes.

And that was important -

to always look into each others’ eyes -

because they are the doorway

through which souls are able to greet each other.

Then, there was the soul baring nakedness -

this is not a physical thing,

but a spiritual connected-ness of Self

which was proudly and gladly shared

with the other.

It is the sharing of one’s limitlessness

with the other.

During that soul baring nakedness,

each soul bares its truth via

words, energy, tears, laughter, their gaze…

whichever way is most appropriate

for that soul’s story to be told.

And the soul who is receptive of the other soul’s story,

is embracing it and experiencing it

in a non-judgmental way.

The receptive soul may even shed tears,

or engage in laughter or

neutralize or intensify the energy

of whatever the naked soul is sharing.

(Side note: both souls are spiritually naked during this soul baring nakedness.)

It is an experience of elevation,

vibrations and souls

and life and being.

It is, in certain moments,

indescribable,

but only because the souls immerse and engage completely

in the dance with one another,

thereby leaving no real memory of IT,

the soul dance,

just the knowledge that the experience

DID, in fact, actually happen.

The souls who are able to dance with one another,

also serve as mirrors to each other,

of the conditions of the other’s soul,

of the energies their soul carries,

of the work that the Self needs to do

in order to stay true to,

and enable,

the flight of their own soul.

See, souls don’t belong to the Self,

but the Self ‘belongs’ to the soul.

The EGO twists the Self

into thinking that one can achieve control

of whatever pain or demons

are embedded in one’s memory,

and the ego is what coaxes Self

into holding on to that memory -

for if the Self holds on to those things

which have once ‘hurt’ it,

those past experiences will

continue to impress the “damage”

upon the Self;

and the Self will try to unload it

onto the soul,

but the soul does not hold on

to such memories -

the soul is only capable of

recognizing and exchanging ENERGIES.

And this is how the souls which choose to

dance with one another

act as a mirror -

they disassociate the Self from the experience,

so the ego cannot tarnish or attempt to question

the authenticity of the dance.

It’s just a soul dance

between two souls

that transcends time,

which travels alongside them,

and space,

in which their Self resides.

It’s an experience unique to the two souls

which engage in it.

Last thing I will say about it,

is that the dance between two souls

can only happen if the two souls

are able to recognize one another

from a time prior to the lifetime

their current Self is in,

and engage in the soul dance courageously.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is the true magic of IT.

The memory

of dinner at that ‘authentic’ Thai restaurant

on Bloor street,

reminds me that

another soul recognized ‘my’ soul’s experience.

And in that moment of,

and in each moment of recalling that memory,

the warmth of my Self’s smile

reaches my soul,

and that soul dance is recalled,

not as a memory,

but an experience

whose energy ‘my’ soul will

forever carry with it.

Dance well, soul beings.

Love, T.


“You can’t have your cake and eat it too!”

Until a few days ago, I didn’t realize that this post was necessary…

I regretfully thought that it was ‘men’ who act inappropriately and without integrity when dating. My eyes were opened this week when my friend and I started chatting about relationships and dating values, and he proceeded to tell me about a girl (‘cuz when you act like one, I cannot refer to you as a woman although you’re of age) who did some things that MEN and WOMEN consider to be wrong.

There is a lot to be said about integrity and treating others with respect. You really cannot do that until you figure out who you are, what you want your life to look like and the kind of people you want to have in it. But that’s really an aside note…

As per my standard, this post will not sugar coat.

Here’s the situation: A man met a girl whom he liked and she liked him. They exchanged phone numbers and started chatting. A connection was established as well as a comfortable vibe. He asks her out on a date and she accepts. Later he finds out that the entire time they were ‘talking’, she was seeing someone else. (This story could also read “A woman met a boy whom she liked and he liked her…Later she finds out that the entire time they were ‘talking’, he was seeing someone else.”.)

Here’s the reality: THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Do not treat others as if they are disposable. It is NOT okay. If you are seeing someone, give that relationship your full attention. If you are unsure about it, leave – you are not a tree.

Let’s look at things objectively… One, if you are involved, you have no business exchanging numbers with those who you have a non-platonic interest in/connection with. It’s basically a prelude to cheating. I am sure that you would not appreciate it if the person whom you are dating did it. Two, if you are involved, you shouldn’t be ‘talking’ to others with whom you have a non-platonic connection. It’s pretty much cheating because you are allowing someone new in your life and you’re not focusing on the relationship you’re already involved in. Again, imagine if the person you are seeing did that with others behind your back. Three, if you are involved and someone is showing interest in you, you are accountable to yourself, the person you are already involved with AND the person who is interested in you, to disclose to them the fact that you are involved. It is YOUR responsibility to disclose that information. Don’t hide behind the infamous “well you never asked,” followed by *shrugged shoulders*. You knew you were doing something wrong. Four, this type of behaviour must stop. Our society is losing basic relationship values because they are no longer being shown, practiced and taught by those who date.

Each of us should ask ourselves these questions: What kind of relationship do I want to have with another person? How do I want to feel within the realm of that relationship? What values are really important for me to have in a relationship? I bet if each person was true to their heart, being cheated on, dealing with their partner’s inappropriate behaviours and being made to feel disrespected and disposable would NOT make that list. And if that isn’t how we want our relationships to look like, then we need to act accordingly. After all, the energy that we put out into the universe, does end up coming back to us. We must be mindful of that.

I think that often, those who are seeing someone but are secretly talking to other people, show a lot of insecurity because they need to know that they are desired by many people. But the truth is, desirability by others should not be the driving factor of whom you spend time with or talk to or the number of people you talk to. I think we each owe our Self, our relationship and our society to really spend time alone and understand Self before venturing out and dating. Period. We should know what we want in a partner and be clear about it upfront.

What are you doing with your life?

T

 


One Day, It MUST All Make Sense…

It’s past my bedtime…kind of. I’m sitting up in my bed, with my old laptop on one leg (can’t have both legs go numb…yes my laptop is quite old…but it works!), and with my hair still wet from my shower, I am reflecting. Looking outside of my window, I’ve decided that mother nature is creating some kind of a winter wonderland that we’ll all wake up to. If I look up from my laptop, a painting I bought in India a few years ago, greets me. Even as I write “a few years ago” (which it actually was), I shock my Self, because that trip to India seemed to have happened a lifetime ago. In fact, this entire year, feels like it encompassed more than a few…at  least to me.

I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know that for me, 2013 was a tough one. As I reflect back on it, I am still in awe that so much had happened. And yet I am able to look back in pride and say that I DID IT! I not only survived but in some ways, I thrived! And I can honestly say Thank You and FAREWELL! without any regrets, sadness or anger. I’ve learned a lot, and I’d like to share my lessons with you. I’ll list them. Maybe you’ll find something good in them. Maybe you’ll want someone you know to read them. In either case, I am sharing them here, and wishing YOU a VERY Happy New Year!

Much love!

T

“MY BIGGEST LESSONS OF 2013″-LIST:

- finding forgiveness in your heart for whomever hurt you, gives you your power back

- the universe nurtures and protects you when you listen to your heart

- connections with others can come about randomly and unexpectedly, but relationships only willingly

- know your worth and speak your truth

- secrets erode relationships along with your mental health – free your Self of the burden and start healing

- it doesn’t make sense to keep doing what you’ve always done when you’ve learned and grown from who you were before

- if you want it, go for it

- learn to let go…and learn to listen to your Self on WHEN to do so

- NOTHING is promised or guaranteed – not even this moment – find gratitude in everything

- you have to learn to save your Self…often from Your Self

- do you

- there are some really amazing people out there

- not everyone is, nor has to be your friend

- people come to your life for a reason, season or a lifetime – know when to end a season tactfully

- listen to your intuition

- there is nothing wrong with seeking help of a professional (counselor etc) to help you deal or get through something

- family isn’t perfect but that won’t make it or break it – communication, respect and effort (or lack thereof) will

- addiction kills spirits – of the addict but especially of those who allow the addict in their circle

- know and state your boundaries when needed – those who care will respect them

- laughter. is. necessary.

- love can happen when you least expect it but don’t use it as a reason to knowingly start a going-nowhere relationship

- there is SO MUCH MORE to relationships than love

- love DOES NOT make a relationship

- crying is a good release

- do what you love – everything else is secondary

- be with people who make you feel good – anyone else is unnecessary

- don’t be afraid to face your fears – you grow and become so much better as a result

- a good hug goes a long way

- when you follow the truth in your heart, the universe helps to guide you to your dreams

- there are omens for everything

- stop and take in the sights, sounds and (SOMETIMES) scents around you

- take pride in your work

- stand for something

- love. just love.

- honesty really is the way to go

- know your worth

- being present alleviates the stress over what was, and the uncertainty of what will, be

- being present in each moment of now is tough but extremely rewarding and fulfilling

- what often hurts us the most is not expressing our Selves AND the thought of how something SHOULD be

- heart smiles are wonderful

- YOU ARE IMPORTANT

- YOU MATTER

- YOU ARE LOVED

- YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE IS NOT ALTERED OR SUPPRESSED BY PAIN, BUT BY YOUR CHOICE


A Moment In Time Reflections

Note: Painting is original work of T.Nikic ©

Note: Painting is original work of T.Nikic ©

 

I suppose that sometimes the most obvious choice to make, is the hardest. You can’t exactly see it clearly until you’ve truly let go, and distanced your Self from it. Completely.

Real life stories of dealings with addiction gave birth to this poem.

One life. One love.

T

“You’ve got to learn to leave the table, when love’s no longer being served.”~Nina Simone

“When you come from trauma, survival seems like self-care.”~Afra Karen

*****

It was Sunday.

I awoke to find her looking at me.

I held her gaze for a long while before she spoke.

Her eyes spoke of love and sadness;

her voice, heavy with emotions.

*

She said:

“I realized this past July

that I met my best friend

and the love of my life

a few years back.

It wasn’t the right time for us then,

nor was it the right time for us now,

but every time I saw his face,

his smile,

met his eyes,

I simply knew that there was something there…

always…

there was something there that I could see

- a secret -

which I didn’t understand back then.

Anyway, this summer we got to hang out.

Just him and I.

Quality one-on-one time.

And we talked.

Our hearts danced.

Together.

We loved.

We sang.

Shared stories.

Shed tears with each other.

Made love in the form of art.

Or is art created only by making love?

I guess that piece shall remain a mystery to me.

I knew from the beginning that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him.

He just wasn’t ready for me then…

I doubt he’s ready for me now.

I’ve cried so many times

listening to his stories,

feeling his pain,

observing his attempt

at the escape

of what he felt.

Distancing myself was hard in the beginning.

I knew that he was draining me

but I couldn’t make sense of walking away completely.

I didn’t want to.

He didn’t want me to.

Truth is I missed him every day.

I shed thousands of tears since our last embrace.

But it’s not the fact that we’re not together

that makes me sad.

It’s the fact that I’ve lost my best friend,

to a drug.

Tho, looking back now,

he wasn’t such a great friend at times.

Addiction truly is hard….and selfish.

In my heart, there is sincere hope that he will get better,

an infinite belief because I know that

if he wants to he can.

I used to wish that I could talk to him,

hear his voice every day,

sometimes I still feel that way,

but his voice of addiction is always so loud.

So I remain,

with the knowledge that I won’t ever again BE,

simply be,

with this incredible man

because his path of choice included addiction

in whose presence I could not remain.”

*

I felt her heart,

watched her cry as she shared her truth with me.

I turned away for a moment,

just to gather my thoughts,

to be able to comfort her,

even share a few words.

But when I looked back,

I met my own eyes in the mirror,

filled with tears.

*

Only the knowledge that I saved ME, comforted me.

*

I LOVED.


Slow Dance

Nat King Cole’s voice, his music, his words, make my day better when I hear him. 

It makes sense it’s interwoven into a dream, right?

Dance well.

T

********

I want to slow dance
While Nat King Cole plays
In the background
With my best friend…
In our living room….
Amidst the chaos the day has left behind -
Toys, bibs, papers, – the results of lives
Our love has created.
I want to look into the eyes of my best friend
Before we embrace for our slow dance
And see his heart, his pain, his soul, his love….
I want to still see myself.
As he holds me close,
I want to rest my head on his shoulder
To take in his comforting familiar scent,
In gratitude,
And remember all that it took
For us,
To get to that present moment,
With the knowledge that it was all worth it.
I want to slow dance with my best friend…
Dance…
Slow…

 

Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gETTFM2PCYg


IS

2013 has been a strange one for many of us. I keep seeing people getting into situations with a common theme – mainly many are still holding on to their pains, not working through them, and it’s preventing them from moving forward.

Love, is a strange thing, isn’t it? It lifts you and holds you and inspires you and comforts you and cradles you, if you let it. I’m not saying there is a relationship out there that is perfect. I’m just saying that love IS that IT which elevates. 

I think we disregard the importance of loving another and embracing being loved, too often. 

Have you ever asked your Self what’s holding you back?

Fly.

T

PS I wrote this in the feminine realm but please know, it applies to both men and women.

******

I see you’ve been struggling to embrace her as she IS.

I see that you’ve been breaking her down in your mind,

So that you avoid feeling anything.

Break her down if you wish

But she IS the trees that give you shade,

On that hot summer day,

Their leaves feeding and sustaining your life.

She IS in the oceans and the rivers,

That host forms of life you’ve only ever read about,

Interconnected and intertwined in her earth,

Flowing all around you.

She IS the earth, upon which you’ve built your house,

Holding it up.

She IS the sun and the moon

Who greet you when you awaken in the morning

And bid you good night.

She IS the wind helping to guide your flight.

She has comforted you and been there for you.

She IS waiting for you to heal your wounded wings

And fly with her in the sky.

But you go ahead and keep trying to break her down.

You’ve been advised to spend your time

And direct your energy towards your healing

For a while now, by your heart.

She believes in you and knows that you can.

She has never given up on you.

She will be here when you’re ready,

Hopefully you won’t find her flying with somebody else then.

She IS.

Love.

Light.

She IS.

*****

Justin Timberlake – Not A Bad Thing & Pair Of Wings (starts at 5:28)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CErc7TZ7ilc

Acrylics on canvas. Thoughts are my own. Painting is as well. 2012

Acrylics on canvas.
Thoughts are my own.
Painting is as well. T
(2012)


A ‘commentary’ on “Think about us…?”

I suppose this is a commentary or a follow-up of my last post – poem, “Think about us….?” – I hope this gives you, the reader, some context and a deeper understanding of my beliefs and where that and my other writings come from.

First excerpt from a monologue I wrote and performed earlier this year:

 

“For years I thought that I was meant to be a bird. For a bird has wings and is free to fly wherever it wants to go. And see the world from angles and heights, which no one else has tried to reach. The endless sky being its home. The horizon, a never reached destination. But the bird is free to fly wherever it wants to go.”

My biggest lessons from unhealthy (platonic and non-platonic) relationships I engaged in in my past:

  • You MUST stand in your own integrity as a person. You know right from wrong so do right, but also remember that you are an example to those in your life of how to treat you right.
  • NEVER allow ANYONE to make you think you’re not worthy of their time, of their energy, of their affection, of their commitment or of their love. YOU are worthy of love and deserve to be loved. (FYI: You ARE loved!)
  • Love does NOT hurt. People use love to justify behaviors and words that are not mindful, that are hurtful. But that is not love. Love does not hurt.
  • To be able to experience love, you have to ensure three things:
  1. You have to check and break down your ego.
  2. You have to reach and discover and be intimate with YOUR bedrock of truth.
  3. You have to love YOU first.

Last excerpt of the monologue:

 

“[It took me while to get here, but] I am a bird now. Flying high in the sky. In the direction where I want to go. With people who lift me and nurture my growth. And yes I’m still alone but I never once looked back. All that I remember now is what love doesn’t look like.”

 

I wish you peace, joy and love.

T


Think about us….?

I wrote this poem earlier this year as a reflection to a monologue I wrote and was asked to perform at a spoken word event called LoveJonesSundays. Sometimes it’s REALLY difficult to accept our past as just that – the past. Our humanity drives us to break it down, explain it, justify it, see it ‘clearly’… Well, for me, I believe in lessons, and continual growth especially from adverse situations. I think it’s necessary, however, just as all things in life, this too is a choice.

Sending you peace and love,

T.

*********

 

It might have been love

But it wasn’t my lifetime.

Isn’t it funny?

That which we fear to lose the most

Is often what we end up losing.

Now I realize that love is enough to remember.

Yes you were a heartache

But I learned so much from that about myself.

Like what not to say or do

If you don’t want to skew the truth.

What honesty truly means

And no it’s not simply not saying anything –

That’s just an inability/will to communicate.

Yea maybe I created a situation/vibe

Where it was hard for you to open up

But I didn’t realize my strength

Would be a deterrent for your love.

 

Did you even think about that?

About us?

All that I gave you?

Words that left your mouth?

I am not sure I’d call that love…

 

I learned so much from you…about me.

I hope you saw me for more than

My reactions to your fears and insecurities.

Crazy, isn’t it?

How we often become the person

We’re trying to run away from.

In the end you realize

It wasn’t love that hurt so bad,

Just fears and insecurities we both allowed

To creep up in THAT us.

I think back and all I really remember now

Is what love doesn’t look like.

 

Do you ever think about that?

About us?

All that you gave me?

Words that left my mouth?

I am not sure I’d call that love…

 

But I’ll always remember you as

The prologue to my lifetime

‘Cuz you showed me

Who I didn’t want to be

And what love doesn’t look like.

 

Think about us?….


Sole Less

Random thoughts of August 27th, 2013 which aren’t exactly what I’d normally share on my blog but these struck me so deeply that I felt a responsibility to my Self to do so…

Ai Weiwei AGO Exhibit reflections from Saturday marked down on Monday but made more sense Tuesday:

I checked out the Ai Weiwei exhibit over the weekend. His work is powerful. But one particular image stayed with me – it was a pair of extremely thin sole shoes wrapped around an empty bottle of wine. It struck me because someone shared a dream with me they had involving sole less shoes. And I had written this poem a day after that:

Sole less shoes

Wrapped around an empty bottle.

Did the liquor wear away the sole,

Or did the sole consume the liquor?

*

Soulless shoes

Wrapped around an empty bottle.

Did the liquor dissipate the soul,

Or did the soul abuse the liquor?

***

Lunch:

I got my lunch at my usual spot but took it to go, as I wanted to sit out in the sun.

Picked Dundas Square to nourish my body…

As I entered, under the big Yonge/Dundas Square sign, was a man sitting in a chair, alone, with his shades on, smoking a cigarette.

Even before I came close, I recognized him. I knew his ex-wife and daughter, his in-laws and many of his friends, as he is from the same town as my mama. I suppose leaving a country you grew up in and coming to Canada isn’t such an easy thing for anyone, but for him it must have been particularly hard because he turned to alcohol…. to escape his thoughts? Reality? Fears? Loneliness? I’m not exactly sure nor do I care to guess. Anyway, I remember hearing from other family years back, that his wife divorced him and that he ended up alone, on the street. I’ve actually seen him randomly before, but today when I saw him I looked to try to see him.

He was sitting in that chair, under the big sign, watching the intersection closely, watching people pass him by.

It was then that I had a thought – alcohol, and any form of other substance, abuse allows us to become observers of life instead of active participants.

I suppose that’s a less painful existence but is it an existence?

Is that really LIVING?

I’m not sure, I’ve not gone down that route but all I know is that every alcoholic, substance abuser, addict…they all end up alone.

And it makes sense, doesn’t it?

They’re simply observing everyone else who is participating in living (living – probably not by the addict’s standards, and perhaps not even by societal standards, but I’d say everyone else who is TRYING to make something out of THIS life); the addicts stay stationed in their chair while everyone else is trying to get places, passing them by.

What a way to ‘exit’.

What a sad way to die…on the inside.

***

Evening:

I watched a documentary on Basquiat today. He, like many other artists of his time (and unfortunately even now), used drugs, and drugs killed him. What struck me was him, in all of his glory and fame, questioning the quality of HIS greatness, HIS creativity, HIS talent, HIS work, HIS art, WITHOUT the drugs. It struck me because that is what you would expect an observer of life to question. What wore away at HIS soles – the drugs or the pain he carried around and was unable to deal with? What dissipated HIS soul – the drugs or the pain he chose not to overcome?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMSXTYvEB-0

***

Substance abuse, of ANY form, hurts and often times kills the abuser. But what the abuser fails to see is that they hurt everyone else around them too.

In the case of that man I saw earlier today, he hurt his ex-wife and his daughter by spending their money (of which was mostly brought in by his ex-wife’s two jobs) to the point where they had no food to feed their child or pay bills or rent. I’m not even going to touch on the psychological and emotional scars that left on both of those women. (Please note, I’m not sharing their story to expose them in any way, especially since I wasn’t there, but to use as an example of REAL repercussions of one’s actions.)

In the case of Basquiat’s story, his ex-girlfriend describes him as becoming violent. He started looking bad. Imagine seeing someone you love slowly degrading BY CHOICE? How could that NOT hurt?!

In the case of the person who dreamt of sole less shoes…all I can say is that this person’s light, in their raw-est, most sober state, lifted my spirit, and my soul, to heights it had never been lifted before.

Our actions DO affect other people.

Substance abuse hurts EVERYONE…especially the children. And they’re left with a permanent scar.

I read a quote by Paulo Coelho today: “You can’t avoid pain, but you can choose to overcome it.”

You can’t overcome pain by being an observer of life. You have to participate and LIVE IT. If YOU are (or someone YOU know is) dealing with substance abuse, PLEASE get help. Stop hurting those around you and your Self.

Love, T

http://www.drugandalcoholhelpline.ca/Directory/Browse

http://www.drugandalcoholhelpline.ca/Directory/Organization/1615

http://www.health.gov.on.ca/english/public/program/addict/addict_mn.html


Colour Transcendence

This poem is for every solider of Love.

I see you. I feel you. I appreciate you.

You, your work, your life, your spirit, ALL matter.

Love, T

*****

I chose this army green for my toes (nails)

Cuz I’ve been a soldier for years

Though I didn’t expect you to know.

I’ve been walking these trenches of life’s tests and lessons

Trying to figure out my purpose

And the reasons for these hardships

But on my hands I went with a

White-out white to remind me

To rise above the trenches

And step into the light.

It’s hard to do that,

Yes I know,

But my mission in this life

Is to lead with love

And I can’t do that

If I’m constantly looking over my shoulder

Or looking back to a past that was.

I realize that I am love, and

With it comes responsibility

To lead…lead….love…love…lead…

With the knowledge I’ll be doing it

While constantly facing my fears and insecurities,

Knowing that not everyone will get it

Knowing that it’s not a

One-time-show-love-and-it-will-change-everything kind of ride,

But stand tall, show up every day

And lead your life with love.

Love. Love. Love. Love.


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